The Wisdom Of Your Cells

I find it difficult to put my finger on any one thing that has been going on in my life right now.  Everything around me is changing so quickly.  It is all a positive movement. Something I look forward to day in and day out.  I am finding that change is the constant that I love, that I need and rely upon.  It is also a skill required to live in such a fast pace world.  We as a human race are constantly evolving, growing, adapting and we keep up with it on most levels.

Recently I listened to lectures given by Dr. Bruce Lipton. He is a brilliant cellular biologist, he has come upon research that changes the world.  The entire perception we use as a society to found our medical system is incorrect.  Not only is it incorrect it is so far off that it is actually doing the opposite of what it is intended to do.  The number one leading cause of deaths in our country is our Medical system! There is proof, there has been proof for years, and it has been published by our medical society in our medical journals.  So why do we still keep to those teachings? We know it isn't working, it hasn't been working for years and yet we hold to the principles.  Blind leading the even more blind.  It is our job to become educated, to question everything, and to push limitations.

Our Medical system has never ":cured" anything.  Never! We trick ourselves by taking drugs to not feel pain, but the pain still exists, we just blocked receptors in the brain to not send the pain message.  It exists.  We have made bandaids.  We don't get to the root of a problem, we cut into a person and take out there organs, we don't address infections, most antibiotics do more harm than they do good.  They work a few times, they weaken our immune system at the same time and take away our ability to fight off harmful bacteria.

If our country is willing to say in God we Trust.  Then we should trust God.  Trust that he gave us the proper equipment and tools to heal ourselves, to protect us from diseases.  He did, but I assure you they are not man made, they are made by him.  They are on this earth, they were created for our benefit and we continually ignore it.  Sciences mission statement is to take God out of the equation.  So we as a country trust God, but just not with everything? Wild. Makes no sense really?

It just makes me question what direction we are really heading in? I know it's not in a good one.

The roads of life are strewn with the wreckage of run-down and half-finished loves. -Ralph W. Sockman

As children we are taught to pick up our messes, we made the mess so it is our responsibility to pick it up.  As parents that is what we teach our children.  Their are consequences to our actions, all our actions. 

If their is a spill, say an oil spill, the company responsible must pay the damages and take all necessary action to undo what they are responsible for, even it was an accident.  The world holds all responsible, our judicial system holds companies, persons, responsible and their are heavy consequences for those that try to evade responsibility.  Car accidents, we are liable for having insurance, taking care of anothers car.  It is expected, taught and we all abide by this standard, either willingly or unwillingly.

So why then do we take no responsibility for the emotional wreckage we bestow?  We blame the ones we loved and left for loving us too much, for not knowing we were going to leave, for not reading our minds and then for trying to make us feel bad about it as if it were not our responsibility at all.  We cause emotions spills, and walk away as though we aren't responsible at all for hurt feelings, broken hearts, lost hope, shattered self-esteems and justify our actions so we aren't left feeling guilt.  Loved ones around us even feed into our woes, helping us to be okay with leaving another persons life shattered.

t may cost thousands in therapy.  What is self worth, worth?  How long does it take to build back confidence?  Unless their is a special pill I am unaware of that takes care of all emotional messes left by us... I believe we are responsible for cleaning up our emotional massacres as well.  At helping put people back together, even if it means hard work, humbling ourselves and showing we do care we left another human in pain.  It isn't easy to stay and watch the wreckage left by none other than you, even though it was most likely done on accident.  It still was your fault, so step up.  Show you care, maybe not in the way you once did, but don't you still have compassion for humanity?

We have all been on both sides of this situation if you have ever dated.  Walking away and leaving someone to fend for themselves and figure it out is you, being heartless.  That is the truth, deny it, fight it, manipulate it.  You know that if you got someone into a mess you most likely will be the on most effective at helping them get out of it. Or at least at helping them to piece life back together.  Take care of your emotional spills, the ones that were hurt, even if it was an accident.  You could be preventing years of pain, therapy, insecurities and restore some sort of decency to humanity.

“It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes men petty and vindictive."

Pettiness.  Take away your pride, strip yourself of your ego, see your life and those in it for what they are.  The most important aspects of your world and life.  What things get in the way of your relationships?  They offended you perhaps, said something to humiliate you, they hurt your feelings by not reacting in a manner you hoped, hell even if they did what you assumed to be unforgivable.... How big of a deal was it really?  Really?

You may have justified it in many ways, your were right, they need to learn a lesson, you warned them you would abandon them if they didn't comply, all in all you trick yourself into believing you had every right.  You didn't.  You never did.  Why?  Because we all do it to each other, not on purpose usually but, you are NOT exempt.  So what do I suggest?  Drop it. Forgive. Get over it.  Stop your self loathing, self-pitying, the exploiting of their mistakes to make you look better and them look worse.  Get over yourself and love.  It is making your life worse and only you can save yourself from yourself.  My suggestion do it. 

People Need Love Most When They Are The Hardest To Love

Because of you, I have you....

Lovely thought.  You yourself are a gift to all those you meet, constantly offering up new ideas, changing perspectives and refreshing spontaneity.  Because we all see so differently in our own lives based on our experiences, backgrounds, religion, people we encounter... and then forms you.  Your lessons teach you, mold you, refine you.  Ruin is a beautiful gift we are allowed. Ruin is the road to transformation.  

Being born, brought to life we begin to become that special person, we grow, learn, love and we don't do it perfectly, we aren't supposed to. At least that is my belief.  The trick is to find order in chaos, love in those you hate, to forgive the unthinkable, to go through hell and still see all the beauty around you.  Give humans credit, all of em.  I believe at any given time people are doing the best they know how.  Maybe to some it isn't enough because they know a better way to handle life, when you find that in your mind, follow it up with the ever constant reminder; If you know something that could ease someones pain, pass it on to them.  Don't judge. Love instead, join those that struggle and help them to see what you see, help them be okay. People get so used to things the way they are, even if they are bad.  People have a hard time with change.  People kind of give up and when they do everyone loses.  People are scared of something good.  It's hard, you have to keep an eye on them because people don't always know what they need.  A person can fix a person.


See life for what it is, humans for what they are.  Simply Love. Love, cherish, appreciate, give, and love yourself enough to receive it!  Stop asking what people can do for you, they have done plenty if they have already given you the gift of their presence.  Stop thinking you need to do anything but be yourself.   The only thing you can do to cheapen your existence would be to deny the world of you by being someone your aren't.  

Avoid the temptation to place a persons worth  on vanity.  How much money they have, how good do they look, how appealing are they to the worlds eye, how much fun will they give me, how will they entertain me.  We pressure ourselves to fulfill these requirements and base our self worth on it.  Silly really, it's like diamonds wishing to sparkle and be awed at not realizing they already are sparkling, beautiful, breathe taking diamonds, simply by being.  Just as you are. By this realization, you are free

Spirit vs. Body

My last blog I wrote before entering the hospital was about death, ironic... If I were to die tomorrow?  I kinda did die, I'm not sure what constitutes death.  Separation of spirit from body.... If that is your definition then yes, I died.  I don't think my heart stopped, but my lungs did, my breathing did, life was gone... My heart lingered on, weakly beating and giving up too. 

It's an odd thing to experience, feeling my spirit disconnect from this body that was it's home for so long.  Looking at a body with pity.  My body.  It didn't feel like mine, I could no longer control it, I tried, it didn't respond.  It's almost as though I didn't deserve it.  This vessel fought to stay alive so I could be here, labored with every task, every breathe, heartbeat and thought weighed heavy on this poor girl.  She was dying, I was watching.  I was safe, I was out, I couldn't go far, I wanted to but I just couldn't.  I listened to the Doctors teach the new nurses how to take my blood from arterial veins, I observed their demeanor's, I listened to a blessings thinking maybe their falling on deaf ears, I heard my parents receive the news that their daughter may not pull through, 2 kids earlier that day with the same thing hadn't...... 

Perspective. This was a new one.  Watching and wondering the outcome?  Will I make it?  More accurately stated, will my body make it?  Because I was still around.  I still was alive in some way or another, aware of life and all that was going on around me.  It was hard to watch, at times I wanted to close my eyes and be onto the next part because it was too painful.  I stayed anyway.  

I had to.  At times I could feel when I would disconnect from myself because the physical pain was so frustrating.  It was unbearable, I was screaming but no one could hear me, I was freezing, I couldn't control my body, and maybe I had no right to.  Perhaps that was a privilege that had to be taken away from me for a while, after all I got myself into this.  Not on purpose this time, accidentally.  I take medication and I mixed the wrong things together, bad combination = Trina dead.   Bad time to mess up. 

It's no longer a mystery what I would say, how I would react, what I would do if I were to die.... I did, I know what I said, I know who I loved, I know what mattered most in life.  It became clear so fast, so easily.... People matter, love matters.

Find what is sacred to you, who you love and don't stop no matter how many mistakes they make because you make mistakes too.  The only thing I could imagine being worse than hearing my parents receive the news that odds were more likely I would cease to live would be the doctor having no one to tell that news to at all.  Realizing your loved ones had no idea they were loved by you. 

Between heaven and hell their is one place you never want to go.  The hospital.

-Trina Marie

Whats your Worth?

What do I bring to the table?
What do I offer the world? 
How do I make an impact in those I love all around me?





At one point or another in life I would bet we have all asked our one if not all of these questions.  I know I have. It is amazing to think that we overlook the fact that we exist. I was in the hospital a week ago today, I was actually damn near dead.

No inhaling breathe, blue lips, splotchy skin, temperature dropping, I couldn't keep myself alive.  I was dying. I knew how to breath but my body wouldn't do it, but I was breathing?  No, he was breathing for me, I was on life support, sustaining the body which carried my soul through life.

Lucid for 5 seconds, taking all my strength I spoke my last words.  "I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive. I don't want to go to the hospital.  Let me go.... Please"  Taking 20 seconds, not sure what to take these words for.  He prayed.

I am here, he brought me back to life. All that matters is the fact that we do exist!  We live, to have dreams, to create joy, to be a flavor, a spice added to life.  Without us, the world isn't complete.  Diversity, personality, purely being is what makes this world so special.  No one else knows how to be me, and because I am still here I'm fulfilling the biggest gift I could give to the world. I am bringing my own original, love, zest, persona, and that is valuable, being on your death bed puts a different perspective on things.

If you were to die tomorrow?

Cliche, yes.  I've told myself that is unrealistic to live everyday like it were my last.  The same question refined, is what is important in your life, so important that it shouldn't go another day unattended to, or un- resolved?  Do the people you love know just how much they mean to you?  In this perspective what grudges are worth holding?  It weeds out pettiness, selfishness, vanity, judgement, it prioritizes your life for you.

It puts things in order quite quick, what good do grudges, ill feelings, gossip do for you?   It hurts you, others too, the ones you do love.  A stranger is rude it is easy to shrug off, a family member, friend, lover... it may as well of been a knife, it hurts just as bad and will take time to heal.  The reason we get hurt by people is because we love them, we care about them, so when they do us wrong it hurts worse, the betrayal eats at you and it can feel impossible to forgive, to repair or build back the bridge.  

Perfecting forgiveness is imperative in life in order to have successful loving relationships with any human.  Because that right there is our problem, we are human, we all make mistakes, not trying to... It happens.  I have offended people before and had no idea and others have to hurt me and were clueless to it.  People matter, more than anything. We will disappoint one another at some point, say the wrong thing, do hurtful, seemingly unforgivable things, but we will forgive anyways because we are in no place to judge and chances are we have hurt someone too, we haven't been perfect. 

So next time you are feeling entitled, in the right, boasted up by your pride in knowing you are right, ask yourself if it is worth your relationship, that persons feelings?  Ask if it's worth losing their love?  Them in your life altogether. Even if you feel clearly right, and you very well may be, so what?  You have been wrong before, how would you feel if it were reversed?  It isn't our place to hold each other and judge, it is ours to love and forgive...

Live every day like it matters, don't procrastinate love or allow pettiness or pride to be what ruin your relationships, the people you love.  Prioritize, live on purpose.  People matter most, their feelings. If I were to die tomorrow and those things were in order I'd be okay!

Daily Observence

Very rarely will someone just say it.  How are you? Typical response good, fine, great,etc... Honestly has been so far driven out of our daily interactions, some have the gall to call it etiquette.

I don't ask we exploit our lives, but how in the hell does anyone expect to make progress if we repeat the same things over and over.  I am exhausted by most humans, I dread running into someone from the past, I abhor dating, loathe meeting people and refuse to attend funerals, weddings or baby showers... (btw, I'm thinking of holding an, I'm single shower, I want presents too!) This all sounds selfish, rude, insincere and self righteous of me.  Maybe it is, I don't claim to be perfect, nor to be a master at what I preach.... I see it this way.

I don't care to have the same conversation over and over again and that is all I hear.  Different faces,  same approaches, human behavior is literally so predictable that we have been able to categorize everything!!  Mental conditions due to specific events, how a person will react to them, how best to treat them.  So alike, the groups that refuse to conform thus conforming to nonconformity.

Stereotypes of people, classes... it has been done throughout the ages.  Their were even trends dating back to Jesus Christ.  Many painters haven't been sure if he should be painted with a beard or clean shaven because, the trend at the time was to be clean shaven. 

What good are we doing?  AA, NA,CA- the first step in making progress is admitting you have a problem.  People look down on the addicts, tell your mistakes, how you are going to fix it, have a support group.  Where is the support group of life?  Seriously??? 

Moms struggle everyday not knowing what to do with their out of control teenager, their daughter who is getting a divorce, their anorexic daughter, the husband that has depression.  Dads struggle on how to keep it together because falling apart just isn't an option when they are stressed, how to provide, are they showing enough love, how do you have a relationship with a gay son?  Us, kids, who should we be around, how do we select our friends, how do you handle your drug addicted brother, learning to take abuse because what else do you do?

There are real issues in the world, people going through crisis everyday, feeling alone and like they are the only ones and having no where to go and no one to talk to.  The irony in it all is, the masks we put on are enabling our own progress.  Facebook, blogs parading our polite lies so others won't judge us or look down at us and think we are failing.  Not that the other extreme of bitching and wining our woes is the right way to go either.  Life is hard.  Not always but, yes, at times it is overwhelmingly so.  So why do so many of us put off life as being perfect?  Is it to need to feel superior?  Or are we over compensating for our insecurities? 

Either way, balance is a good idea in all things.  So it is most likely true when it comes to life.  It isn't all good, it's not supposed to be.  Nor is it all bad.  Admitting our faults and shortcomings may just open the door to a helping hand rather than the weight of the world on your shoulders. Atlas, or Goldilocks?

He who is of little love is also of little faith

My great grandmother had that quote on her fridge.  I wrote it down one day, not really because of the meaning but because it reminded me of my grandmother and I figured she wouldn't be around forever... I was wrong, she wasn't around forever but until she was 102! I never really thought of the meaning until recently. 

Every relationship we have requires faith.  Faith in yourself, in the other person, in your abilities as humans, faith that good will come of it, etc...  Faith to believe in something you can't see or have a perfect knowledge of.  A desired outcome you hope for and believe in.  (That is marriage right there)  I am not only talking about marriage, faith is required in friendship any relationship really. 

The part where it is scary is it isn't a perfect knowledge.  We have no idea what the future holds, non what-so-ever!  That's where the hope comes in.  We hope for our dreams, we believe they can happen, we trust another person with our secrets, our hearts, our lives and pray for the best.  That's all we can do, so much is in our control but so much isn't.  We try, organizing things, creating traditions, putting routines in place, making our lives as predictable as possible hoping that all will go just as we want.  Control freaks are born.

It can get to you, stressing out like that, worrying about things that you can't control so, don't.  Let go, have faith, because really so much isn't our business to control.  Trust that someone has your best interest at heart and is orchestrating your life, all you have to do is follow.  Feels good to think all you have to do is listen, trust and do.  I don't need to know how things will work out, or why?  Just that it's what someone has planned for me and it will make me a better person and bring me more happiness than I would have been able to. 

Every person that has dated has experienced some form of heartache.  There is never going to be a way to guarantee a relationship before you commit to it, or even afterwards.  All you can do is love the best you know how, trust you will be loved in return and have faith in what you have together.  I do know if there is doubts or a lack of love it's because you don't believe in yourself or in love. 

Life goes on... so do I! I am taking someones advice, it wasn't why I called but it helped more than I thought it would. I feel free, like a weight has been lifted....

Do you know where you are going?

Truth is truth.  If a thousand people believe something foolish, it is still foolish!  Truth is never dependent upon consensus of opinion.  I have found that it is better to be alone and acting upone the truth in my heart than to follow a gaggle of silly geese doomed to mediocrity.  If you worry about what other people think of you, then you will have more confidence in their opinion than you have in your own.  Poor is the man whose future depends on the opinions and permission of others.  Remember this, if you are afraid of criticism, you will die doing nothing!
Getting started, getting finished- both ends of a journey require a demonstration of passion.  Passion is a product of the heart.  Passion is what helps you when you have a great dream.  Passion breeds conviction and turns mediocrity into excellence!  Your passion will motivate others to join you in pursuit of your dream.  With passion, you will overcome insurmountable obstacles.  You will become unstoppable.
Nothing great was every accomplished by a realistic person!  Most people fail at what they attempt because of an undecided heart.  Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back?  Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart.  When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution.  The undecided heart searched for an escape.  A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right.  Indecision limits the almighty and his ability to perform miracles in your life.  He has put the vision in you-proceed?  To wait, to wonder, to doubt, to be indecisive is to disobey God. 

Mirror of Rejoice OR Regret

Great leaders. Great achievers. Are rarely realistic by other people's  standards. Somehow, these successful people, often considered strange, pick their way through life ignoring or not hearing negative expectations and emotions.  Consequently, they accomplish one great thing after another, never having heard what cannot be done. Never tell someone what they can't do. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing!
What is the difference in people when they hit despair?  Why does one person take his own life while another moves to greatness?  Circumstances are rulers of the weak but, they are weapons of the wise.  Must you be bent and swayed by every situation you encounter?  Are your emotions and resolve controlled by circumstances?  Circumstances do not push or pull.  They are daily lessons to be studied and gleaned for new knowledge and wisdom.  Knowledge and wisdom that is applied will bring about a brighter tomorrow.  A person who is depressed is thinking too much about the way things are now and not enought time thinking about the how he wants things to be. 
All men are driven by faith or fear-one or the other-for both are the same.  Faith or fear is the expectation of an event that hasn't come to pass or the belief in something that cannot be seen or touched.  A man of fear lives always on the edge of insanity whereas a man of faith lives in perpetual reward. Faith is a sounder guide than reason.  Reason never makes room for miracles; faith releases miracles. Reason can only be stretched so far, but faith has no limits.
Ever think about things that never were?  Dreams and goals of the less courageous.  How the world could be very different because of one person?  We know of those people who succeed but, what about those that were close and gave up?  The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but what he almost wins.  As a human, we detour and ease off because we lack understanding.  We quit because we lack faith.  Constant detours do not bring a man into the presence of greatness.  Detours do no build muscle.  Detours do not provide life's lessons.  Between you and anything significant will be giants in your path.  Easing off does not make the going easier.  Neither does it guide one to the desired destination.  Most men ease off when the going is rough.  Most slow down when the road appears treacherous.  These are the times when you must feel the weight of your future on your shoulders- the throbbing, unstoppable strength of desting coursing through your veins.  Times of calamity and distress have always been producers of the greatest men.  The hardest steel is produced from the hottest fire; the brightest star shreds the darkest night. 
Truth needs no evidence, of course.  There will be those who spend eternity examining a reflection of the person they could have become. 

unattainable peace of mind

Life gives me opportunity disguised as troubles I hope to overcome.  One in particular is overwhelming, has been for months, I keep trying to move on from it, to conquer it.  I keep changing my approach, hoping to see a different angle but, it all seems to be in vain. 
What gets me through my days? 
I am not sure, painting a world that I hope to exist,
running constantly not sure if I am running to something
or away from something but running none the less.
I feel like I am trying to crack a code that only I seem to lack the combination to.
Guessing, pondering, contemplating and running into dead ends before I even begin. 
The problem won't leave
even if I give up on it, there it is.
Haunting, teasing, watching my attempts for success knowing its just out of reach.
I feel like I am stuck in that Greek myth, the one where the man is in a river of water and when he lowers to drink the water falls and he is unable to quench his thirst.  It is right there, he can see it but it is out of his reach, just close enough to desire it  over all else, to keep his thirst at the front of his mind.  It toys with him, he knows he won't be able to drink but, he can't help but try... He'll never have that drink only the hope of it, and unfortunately it isn't enough.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

 Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

 Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

 Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.



    William Shakespeare

Who will I Be?

I have pondered the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" for the better part of my adult life.  It has consumed me, the vast possibilities. How to choose the one? Which would I be best at? Which will bring me the most success? Part of what made this a monumental task for me, was the fact that I was also attaching it to my character, my being. "What will I do?"  That's what I meant by "What will I be when I grow up?" I had put my self-worth in that question.  Realizing the difference, I now find that very separate from "Who will I be? "

The relief I found was I will be me always. The qualities I posses, my abilities, my character, ME, will ultimately stay ME no matter what I do. Then the relevance of what I will do seemed far less intimidating as who will I be. Who am I?  What qualities have I developed? How do I display me?  Are my actions an accurate portrayal of the person I am?  Who do I hope to become?  I wrote a list of the qualities I have and hope to obtain.  Then I looked them all up and wrote down their definitions.  It only made sense to me to know what I am and what I want to be to become "her".  I am pleased with my progress thus far and look forward to the woman I can become.  Leaving my character up to chance seemed reckless so, I have taken action, I am now mindful in everything I do and say and make sure it resignates with me.  That it is the proper representation of my being and aspirations.

In doing this I hope for a more accurate focus and perspective.  I hope for more joy during the journey we call life. Mastering who I am doesn't so much help with the "what will I do?" but it does aid with the approach.  I know how I will choose to act, in every aspect of my life.  My way of life, philosophies of my relationships and interactions with people are very clear, its as though I am living life on purpose.  People are not in my life by mistake, they are there because I want them there, I do not leave things unsaid, there is reason.  I am who I am on purpose.  Purpose gives love, friends, family, life meaning, importance and value.  Don't let your life happen accidentally, give yourself a reason to live.  Deepen your existence, master your emotions, live to enjoy life in it's moments.  That is all we have.

Paintings of Vulnerability

I paint.  It allows me to imagine a world that I dream of.  Imagining a life with a different design, ever changing rules settle in, whirling colors onto a canvas, watching them dance gracefully into a scheme, a rhythm that eventually seems to have a mind of its own and overtakes the stark white canvas.  My hopes are manifested through shapes, my ideals blurted out in the most provocative ways, symbolism is the cipher to this canvas, so that when I see it, well it may as well be a page out of my diary.  Paintings, letters I write through creative expression exposing my true dreams, secret sufferings, the endless desires of my soul.
I sat in front of the blank canvas late last night, it was as if it were taunting me.  I knew what I wanted to express with this new entry, but I didn't know what it looked like?  How does one paint love?  The feelings are so potent, overwhelming, powerful, it's almost like love is a person to me.  The mere presence is addicting, captivating, engaging.  When I don't have it, I feen for it.  The desire for connection surpasses all logic, we are blinded from our reason, deaf to the words of dead poets who tell the tales of falling in love and then falling when their love leaves, our naive stupidity takes over, just one taste of it and the wisest men throw their lifes work to the gutter and willingly shackle themselves to the concept. 
How does this look?  Slaves to it, even if just for one night, I have yet to meet someone that would turn it down.  That person doesn't exist, they would deny the fact that we are animals starving for affection.  Humans, we all need to be special, long to be adored, are blessed if we are cherished, and will die trying.  The divorce rates go up, but we still marry.  Romantics.  There's a word for us, hopeful to be the one to defy the odds and grasp the happily ever after fairytale. 
So what did I paint?  The images raced as quickly as they came they were dismissed, none possessed the passion that the emotion exudes. Lovers at sunset, floating hearts, chocolates, wine, candles, gowns and tuxedos, what picture belongs to love?  Perhaps love belongs to words.... " I love you the way certain dark things are loved, secretly between the shadow and the soul.  I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you." 
After finding love, you un-doubtingly are its slave.  I know it, I am a hopeless slave to it, I chained myself, enlisted my heart and I am paying the price.  He left. Not a day goes by I am not haunted by thought of your absence, wishing to turn back time, looking forward to sleep so I can see you because it is almost that I can control my dreams or maybe they control me? Either way I know I'll see you.  I don't love to profess it vainly to the world, to boast the conquering of your heart, to attempt to exploit the sacred connection we shared.  I love you selflessly, without the knowledge of how to contain it or put rules around it. There is no choice in it, it simply exists and no matter how many ways I attempt to cover it, alter its appearance, dull loves luminosity, I fail.  It's there, unchanging, it cannot be destroyed, not through time or the missing of lovers, love is created and stands the tests we ask it to undergo. 
The taunting white canvas sits, waiting for my feeble attempts to paint my love.

FEAR

By Dr. Frank Crane

It is safe to say that no good work was ever done in Fear.

Until you have struck the shackles of Fear from your

hands, you can do nothing.

Until you get the grip of Fear loosened from your

mind, your brain is not efficient, and you cannot remember

well, think straight, nor imagine constructively.

Until you purge the poison of Fear out of your heart,

your emotions instead of giving you power and pep will cause

you only shame and confusion. Fear is your greatest Enemy.

It is a Ghost. It is nothing at all. But it is no less terrible

for all of that.

It is this Ghost that knocks the cup of success from your

lips just when you are about to drink.

It is Fear that reaches out its ghostly hands to strangle

you in a crisis, just when everything depends upon you.

It is fear that tangles your feet, hangs like a millstone

about your neck on your journey, dims your eye so that you

cannot see the truth, roars in your ears until you cannot hear

the music all about you, fevers your blood, unstrings your

nerves and pours its senile impotence into your cup of life.

You have one big battle. It is to conquer Fear. That

done, the world is yours, your own will come to you, and the

stars in their courses will fight for you.

How Fear Spoils All Your Life

If you will think a bit, you will see how Fear spoils all

your life.

Love is “The Greatest Thing in the World,” and it is

Fear that turns the heaven of love into the hell of jealousy and

suspicion.

Don’t be afraid to love, and to believe that you are

loved. Unfortunately it is easy to imagine any one hates you,

and hard to think any one, loves you. But you must be bold to

believe in love if you would be happy.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you

will live in torment unless you trust enough.

“He that believes in everybody may be bitten, but he

that suspects everybody will he devoured.”

And Fear makes sensitiveness. Sensitive people

live in perpetual torture. Everyone seems to be sticking pins

into them and stepping on their toes. They are a misery unto

themselves and a nuisance to everybody else.

The root of all sensitiveness is Fear.

Our bad manners, sarcastic speeches,

awkwardness and other things whereby we make enemies

and get ourselves disliked, arise for the most part from shyness,

which is another name for Fear.

Is it not distressing and embarrassing to have anyone

about that is everlastingly hemming and hawing and apologizing

and fumbling and hesitating? Very well — don’t be that

kind of a person. It is nothing but cowardice.

Stuttering, stammering and other speech defects

are caused by Fear. The first thing the expert does, to cure you,

is to teach you not to be afraid. For you stammer because your

words are inhibited, that is, stopped by Fear.

All joy arises from being natural. We are happy only

when we can be our real self. And Fear is the power that

depresses self. It makes us impotent to be happy.

Hence we become affected, for Affectation, Posing

and “Putting On,” all amount to being afraid of expressing our

real self.

You can have no contentment nor peace of mind

until you drive Fear out of the home.

I can't take credit from these last writings, they are mixed writings of wise men that stood out to me and the place I am in life right now.  Fear rules the hearts of too many and it has for far too long now.  Opportunity is missed everyday, moments are lost and thats all we have.  Moments, that is what life is made up of.  These simple phrases have made a huge difference in my life so far.  I am not afraid to decide what I want and take a chance, I don't assume everything will fail, I hold hope as one of my best weapons when slaying the dragons in my life.  Just knowing I will get through, trusting myself enough to know I will take care of me.  I will make sure I am happy, that I am loved and I won't allow my life to be anybody elses responsibility. Hope you find these findings somewhat interesting, or relevant to you and your life.

How to Get Rid of Fear

Now how can we get rid of Fear? Let us take some

plain, simple measures of common sense.

Let us use all our will power, brains, judgment and

imagination to attack this foe.

CULTIVATE THE HABIT OF DECISION.

Don’t be rash. Think things over. Don’t hurry. Examine

all the probabilities in the case.

But get done. Settle the matter decisively. And act with

firmness.

You will never know what is absolutely the best thing

to do, in any given case. No mortal does. All decisions are

based not on perfect knowledge.

For if you go on forever hesitating and indecisive, your

will becomes flabby, you lose your clearness of vision, and

Fear creeps in.

LEARN TO LET GO.

Learn to relax — Study the art of turning your attention

to something else.

If you think of a thing too long you “go sour”; you lose

your sense of proportion; you become morbid.

Learn how to divert yourself. Go to the ball game, see a

movie, play a game, read an interesting story.

Of course, you can divert yourself too much, till you

have no power of concentration.

But also you can concentrate too much, till your mind

loses all its spring and freshness.

You often get a better hold upon a problem by going

away from it for a time and dismissing it from your mind

altogether.

REMEMBER IT IS ALL IN THE DAY’S WORK.

This life of ours is given us to live, one day at a time,

not all at once.

We are workmen “by the day,” and not “by the job.”

Whether you are ultimately to succeed or not, and what

is at last to become of you, is none of your business.

That is God’s business, or Destiny’s, or Fate’s, whatever

you are of a mind to call it.

All you have to do is to do the work laid out for you

this day.

You are a Common Soldier in the ranks of humanity;

you are not the General.

The Great Plan you do not know. All you need to know

is your orders for the day.

To do your work, in that small corner where you are

placed, that is enough. Then you can sleep. And in the morning

you can do the next day’s work. You don’t have to climb any

hill, nor cross any bridge, until you get to it.

Most of the Fear that spoils our life comes from attacking

difficulties before we get to them.

It is all right to have caution and foresight, to look

ahead and plan, but if you see trouble coming, or disaster, keep

cheerful, do your next duty, and when the issue does come, you

can attack it with your full force and confidence.

KEEP UP YOUR BODILY HEALTH.

Be a good animal.

We are all fundamentally animals after all. Whatever

brain and soul we have is lodged in the flesh.

And the first essential in acquiring a strong, courageous

and triumphant personality, is to have a sound, clean, normal

body.

Don’t neglect exercise. Cultivate outdoors.

Do not overeat, nor get fat, nor otherwise slump physically,

for that is the sure road to slumping mentally.

Discipline your body, if you want a keen and disciplined

spirit. Don’t drink too much, nor smoke too much, nor

indulge in too much “softness and needless self-indulgence.”

Else you become flabby. And flabbiness is the hotbed

of Fear.

USE YOUR INTELLIGENCE.

If you Fear anything, examine it carefully. Analyze it.

Scrutinize it carefully.

At least, know what it is that alarms you.

For most of the things that cause us panic, are the

things tinged with Mystery.

It is the Unknown, not the Known, that terrifies. The

only reason we fear Death is because we do not know what it

means.

‘’And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o’er by the pale cast of thought.”

We fear what we do not understand, what we cannot

see clearly, as children are afraid of the dark.

Hence, whatever you fear, sit down and examine it

carefully.

Drag the dreaded thing out into the light. Master it in

your mind.

It may help you to write down succinctly just what it is

you are afraid of. You will find that in stating the matter clearly

to your own mind, your fears will vanish.

DON’T TALK OF BEING AFRAID.

Don’t mention your timidities and impotencies. Don’t

say “I can’t do this” and “I can’t meet such and such a person.”

Don’t say that you would be embarrassed to death to meet this

society lady, or that university professor, or this judge, or that

bishop, or any other Magnificent One.

And if at any time you have been embarrassed and

humiliated and have made a fool of yourself, don’t speak of it

afterwards.

Our words have a profound reflex action upon our

minds.

Do not repeat the formulae of Fear, such as “I can’t,” “I

am afraid,” “I know I shall fail,” “I always just miss it,”

“That’s just my luck,” and the like.

These sayings seep into your soul and poison you.

Repeat the formulae of Courage.

Say, “I can,” “I’ll do my best, and that’s all anyone can

ask,” “No matter what happens, I will keep calm, and sure, and

master of myself,” “It’s all in the day’s work,” and go on

smiling.

IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF ANYTHING WALK

RIGHT UP TO IT!

When you were a child and were frightened at night

by a terrible big white thing waving its arms at you, and you

walked up to it, and saw that it was only a shirt hanging on the

clothes line and flapping in the wind, your terror was gone and

you laughed.

And, even now, things that from a distance seem most

alarming are not very dreadful when we face them squarely

and examine them. For instance, there is a certain great man

whom you have to see. You fear you are going to be tongue

tied in his presence. But if, in your mind, you go up to him

before you meet him, and look closely, and see that after all he

is only human, and eats and drinks and is glad and mad like the

rest of us, you will go to your interview naturally and with self-assurance.

Nothing is so bad when you get to it.

“I have seen a lot of troubles in my day,” said an old

man, “and most of them never happened.”