Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Paintings of Vulnerability

I paint.  It allows me to imagine a world that I dream of.  Imagining a life with a different design, ever changing rules settle in, whirling colors onto a canvas, watching them dance gracefully into a scheme, a rhythm that eventually seems to have a mind of its own and overtakes the stark white canvas.  My hopes are manifested through shapes, my ideals blurted out in the most provocative ways, symbolism is the cipher to this canvas, so that when I see it, well it may as well be a page out of my diary.  Paintings, letters I write through creative expression exposing my true dreams, secret sufferings, the endless desires of my soul.
I sat in front of the blank canvas late last night, it was as if it were taunting me.  I knew what I wanted to express with this new entry, but I didn't know what it looked like?  How does one paint love?  The feelings are so potent, overwhelming, powerful, it's almost like love is a person to me.  The mere presence is addicting, captivating, engaging.  When I don't have it, I feen for it.  The desire for connection surpasses all logic, we are blinded from our reason, deaf to the words of dead poets who tell the tales of falling in love and then falling when their love leaves, our naive stupidity takes over, just one taste of it and the wisest men throw their lifes work to the gutter and willingly shackle themselves to the concept. 
How does this look?  Slaves to it, even if just for one night, I have yet to meet someone that would turn it down.  That person doesn't exist, they would deny the fact that we are animals starving for affection.  Humans, we all need to be special, long to be adored, are blessed if we are cherished, and will die trying.  The divorce rates go up, but we still marry.  Romantics.  There's a word for us, hopeful to be the one to defy the odds and grasp the happily ever after fairytale. 
So what did I paint?  The images raced as quickly as they came they were dismissed, none possessed the passion that the emotion exudes. Lovers at sunset, floating hearts, chocolates, wine, candles, gowns and tuxedos, what picture belongs to love?  Perhaps love belongs to words.... " I love you the way certain dark things are loved, secretly between the shadow and the soul.  I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you." 
After finding love, you un-doubtingly are its slave.  I know it, I am a hopeless slave to it, I chained myself, enlisted my heart and I am paying the price.  He left. Not a day goes by I am not haunted by thought of your absence, wishing to turn back time, looking forward to sleep so I can see you because it is almost that I can control my dreams or maybe they control me? Either way I know I'll see you.  I don't love to profess it vainly to the world, to boast the conquering of your heart, to attempt to exploit the sacred connection we shared.  I love you selflessly, without the knowledge of how to contain it or put rules around it. There is no choice in it, it simply exists and no matter how many ways I attempt to cover it, alter its appearance, dull loves luminosity, I fail.  It's there, unchanging, it cannot be destroyed, not through time or the missing of lovers, love is created and stands the tests we ask it to undergo. 
The taunting white canvas sits, waiting for my feeble attempts to paint my love.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

By Dr. Frank Crane

It is safe to say that no good work was ever done in Fear.
Until you have struck the shackles of Fear from your
hands, you can do nothing.
Until you get the grip of Fear loosened from your
mind, your brain is not efficient, and you cannot remember
well, think straight, nor imagine constructively.
Until you purge the poison of Fear out of your heart,
your emotions instead of giving you power and pep will cause
you only shame and confusion. Fear is your greatest Enemy.
It is a Ghost. It is nothing at all. But it is no less terrible
for all of that.
It is this Ghost that knocks the cup of success from your
lips just when you are about to drink.
It is Fear that reaches out its ghostly hands to strangle
you in a crisis, just when everything depends upon you.
It is fear that tangles your feet, hangs like a millstone
about your neck on your journey, dims your eye so that you
cannot see the truth, roars in your ears until you cannot hear
the music all about you, fevers your blood, unstrings your
nerves and pours its senile impotence into your cup of life.
You have one big battle. It is to conquer Fear. That
done, the world is yours, your own will come to you, and the
stars in their courses will fight for you.
How Fear Spoils All Your Life

If you will think a bit, you will see how Fear spoils all
your life.
Love is “The Greatest Thing in the World,” and it is
Fear that turns the heaven of love into the hell of jealousy and
Don’t be afraid to love, and to believe that you are
loved. Unfortunately it is easy to imagine any one hates you,
and hard to think any one, loves you. But you must be bold to
believe in love if you would be happy.
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you
will live in torment unless you trust enough.
“He that believes in everybody may be bitten, but he
that suspects everybody will he devoured.”
And Fear makes sensitiveness. Sensitive people
live in perpetual torture. Everyone seems to be sticking pins
into them and stepping on their toes. They are a misery unto
themselves and a nuisance to everybody else.
The root of all sensitiveness is Fear.
Our bad manners, sarcastic speeches,
awkwardness and other things whereby we make enemies
and get ourselves disliked, arise for the most part from shyness,
which is another name for Fear.
Is it not distressing and embarrassing to have anyone
about that is everlastingly hemming and hawing and apologizing
and fumbling and hesitating? Very well — don’t be that
kind of a person. It is nothing but cowardice.
Stuttering, stammering and other speech defects
are caused by Fear. The first thing the expert does, to cure you,
is to teach you not to be afraid. For you stammer because your
words are inhibited, that is, stopped by Fear.
All joy arises from being natural. We are happy only
when we can be our real self. And Fear is the power that
depresses self. It makes us impotent to be happy.
Hence we become affected, for Affectation, Posing
and “Putting On,” all amount to being afraid of expressing our
real self.
You can have no contentment nor peace of mind
until you drive Fear out of the home.
I can't take credit from these last writings, they are mixed writings of wise men that stood out to me and the place I am in life right now.  Fear rules the hearts of too many and it has for far too long now.  Opportunity is missed everyday, moments are lost and thats all we have.  Moments, that is what life is made up of.  These simple phrases have made a huge difference in my life so far.  I am not afraid to decide what I want and take a chance, I don't assume everything will fail, I hold hope as one of my best weapons when slaying the dragons in my life.  Just knowing I will get through, trusting myself enough to know I will take care of me.  I will make sure I am happy, that I am loved and I won't allow my life to be anybody elses responsibility. Hope you find these findings somewhat interesting, or relevant to you and your life.

How to Get Rid of Fear

Now how can we get rid of Fear? Let us take some
plain, simple measures of common sense.
Let us use all our will power, brains, judgment and
imagination to attack this foe.

Don’t be rash. Think things over. Don’t hurry. Examine
all the probabilities in the case.
But get done. Settle the matter decisively. And act with
You will never know what is absolutely the best thing
to do, in any given case. No mortal does. All decisions are
based not on perfect knowledge.
For if you go on forever hesitating and indecisive, your
will becomes flabby, you lose your clearness of vision, and
Fear creeps in.

Learn to relax — Study the art of turning your attention
to something else.
If you think of a thing too long you “go sour”; you lose
your sense of proportion; you become morbid.
Learn how to divert yourself. Go to the ball game, see a
movie, play a game, read an interesting story.
Of course, you can divert yourself too much, till you
have no power of concentration.
But also you can concentrate too much, till your mind
loses all its spring and freshness.
You often get a better hold upon a problem by going
away from it for a time and dismissing it from your mind

This life of ours is given us to live, one day at a time,
not all at once.
We are workmen “by the day,” and not “by the job.”
Whether you are ultimately to succeed or not, and what
is at last to become of you, is none of your business.
That is God’s business, or Destiny’s, or Fate’s, whatever
you are of a mind to call it.
All you have to do is to do the work laid out for you
this day.
You are a Common Soldier in the ranks of humanity;
you are not the General.
The Great Plan you do not know. All you need to know
is your orders for the day.
To do your work, in that small corner where you are
placed, that is enough. Then you can sleep. And in the morning
you can do the next day’s work. You don’t have to climb any
hill, nor cross any bridge, until you get to it.
Most of the Fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
difficulties before we get to them.
It is all right to have caution and foresight, to look
ahead and plan, but if you see trouble coming, or disaster, keep
cheerful, do your next duty, and when the issue does come, you
can attack it with your full force and confidence.

Be a good animal.
We are all fundamentally animals after all. Whatever
brain and soul we have is lodged in the flesh.
And the first essential in acquiring a strong, courageous
and triumphant personality, is to have a sound, clean, normal
Don’t neglect exercise. Cultivate outdoors.
Do not overeat, nor get fat, nor otherwise slump physically,
for that is the sure road to slumping mentally.
Discipline your body, if you want a keen and disciplined
spirit. Don’t drink too much, nor smoke too much, nor
indulge in too much “softness and needless self-indulgence.”
Else you become flabby. And flabbiness is the hotbed
of Fear.

If you Fear anything, examine it carefully. Analyze it.
Scrutinize it carefully.
At least, know what it is that alarms you.
For most of the things that cause us panic, are the
things tinged with Mystery.
It is the Unknown, not the Known, that terrifies. The
only reason we fear Death is because we do not know what it

‘’And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er by the pale cast of thought.”

We fear what we do not understand, what we cannot
see clearly, as children are afraid of the dark.
Hence, whatever you fear, sit down and examine it
Drag the dreaded thing out into the light. Master it in
your mind.
It may help you to write down succinctly just what it is
you are afraid of. You will find that in stating the matter clearly
to your own mind, your fears will vanish.

Don’t mention your timidities and impotencies. Don’t
say “I can’t do this” and “I can’t meet such and such a person.”
Don’t say that you would be embarrassed to death to meet this
society lady, or that university professor, or this judge, or that
bishop, or any other Magnificent One.
And if at any time you have been embarrassed and
humiliated and have made a fool of yourself, don’t speak of it

Our words have a profound reflex action upon our
Do not repeat the formulae of Fear, such as “I can’t,” “I
am afraid,” “I know I shall fail,” “I always just miss it,”
“That’s just my luck,” and the like.
These sayings seep into your soul and poison you.
Repeat the formulae of Courage.
Say, “I can,” “I’ll do my best, and that’s all anyone can
ask,” “No matter what happens, I will keep calm, and sure, and
master of myself,” “It’s all in the day’s work,” and go on

When you were a child and were frightened at night
by a terrible big white thing waving its arms at you, and you
walked up to it, and saw that it was only a shirt hanging on the
clothes line and flapping in the wind, your terror was gone and
you laughed.
And, even now, things that from a distance seem most
alarming are not very dreadful when we face them squarely
and examine them. For instance, there is a certain great man
whom you have to see. You fear you are going to be tongue
tied in his presence. But if, in your mind, you go up to him
before you meet him, and look closely, and see that after all he
is only human, and eats and drinks and is glad and mad like the
rest of us, you will go to your interview naturally and with self-assurance.
Nothing is so bad when you get to it.
“I have seen a lot of troubles in my day,” said an old
man, “and most of them never happened.”

Friday, March 25, 2011


Think right about the universe.
You have your place in it. You were born for some
purpose. You are needed in the universal scheme as much as
the tree is needed, and the star.
Many a soldier has got rid of Fear by believing that he
will not die till his time comes.
There is a sensible and sane view of Fate.
Nobody knows what to-morrow may bring forth. But
we can believe. And if we believe strong, favorable and triumphant
things, it puts sureness into our hands, courage into our
heart and clear sight into our mind. While if we doubt, or fancy
failure, humiliation and disgrace, it unnerves us and makes us
It is no part of the purpose of this writing to preach
religion, but this much can be said to all:
All the superstitions, persecutions and religious
manias have come from imagining God to be our enemy.
Think! He made you. He has a purpose for you. Believe
that he is with you and well disposed.
No single thought in all the world is of more value to
put life and cheer and power into a man than the thought that
the great Being who made this universe is FOR us and not

Be self-sufficient.
Quit thinking about Luck, and Pull, and Influence, and
Circumstances, and Other People.

This whole problem of success is bound up in you
alone. You are going to sink or swim according to the kind of
spirit in you.
The one big, important and essential factor in your life
is — You.
Keep your courage up and no man can daunt you. Keep
your body healthy and disease germs will not harm you.
Keep your conscience clean and you will need be
ashamed to look no man in the face.
Always bear in mind that your ultimate triumph depends
upon your grit, your discipline, your industry, your skill,
and upon nothing and nobody outside of you.

Don’t pin your hopes on others helping you.
If you get boosts and favor, be thankful and go on.
If you get no help — go on just the same.

It’s a queer world. Everybody will help the self-sufficient
man and knock the beggar.
If you want to borrow a hundred dollars, act as if you
had a million. Everybody will come
running to lend you.
But act as if you really needed twenty-five cents, and
we all turn the cold shoulder.

“To him that hath shall be given.”

There’s just one person who is going to make you or
undo you, and that is — You.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Idleness The Mother of Progress

"Idleness is the mother of progress. So long as men were busy they had no time to think of bettering their condition.
Idleness is the mother of art. It was when men had leisure from the chase that they decorated the handles of their hunting knives and the walls of their cave-dwellings.
We talk of all men's right to work. There is a deeper right than that. It is the right to idleness."
Dr.Frank Crane. I love his writings, he seems to have a balanced eye, a keen intellect, and creative perspective.  This feels very much like me right now.  I have taken a "step back" from my life, looking at what I am and what my life has been made up of so far.  What am I doing out of passion and what am I doing out of convenience? In this time I have seen more beauty and found greater understanding of myself, of life, of others.  Just as important as it is to speak it is to listen, life tells us things all of the time, our body tells us how it is, life doesn't scream at us, nor do our bodies.  We wear ourselves down slowly, we wear our patience thin, put more on our plates when we are already exhausted and then wonder why life isn't enjoyable?  Proceeding these findings we tell ourselves comforting lies, this is how life is, it's hard.  Not everything is going to be fun. 
I recently sat down to think of 3 people I know that love life, and their life is a testament of it.  It took me several minutes of sifting through faces and loved ones to come up with one.  Eventually I got to 3, but, I was surprised it took me that long.  Now it isn't that these 3 people didn't have hardships or heartaches in their lives for that matter, but, they kept living.  Not just surviving which is what most of us do but, LIVING!  Smiling even though they were sad because they still saw so much beauty around them.  They never lost their passion, and didn't curse the world for one bad thing, and they all seemed to immediately see the good just as easily as the bad.  They saw the love that remained, the support, and the wonders of life. 
When all is said and done, there is you.  You aren't your job, where you go, your hobbies, your talents, your kids, your families, your duties.  At any given time in life that can all be taken away, but you still remain.  Your body, your mind, your soul. You exist, if you were left all alone on this planet, would you wait to die, and suffer self agony?  Or would you enjoy the days, still thank God for your life? All that you still could enjoy? Something to think about. 

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before
meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the
right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. 
Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens,
but often times we look so long at the closed door that
we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on
a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk
away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have got until
we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we
have been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never as assurance that
they will love you back. Don't expect love in return;
just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it does not,
be content it grew in yours.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour
to like someone, and a day to love someone,  but it takes
a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.  Don't go for wealth;
even that fades away.  Go for someone who makes you smile
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem
bright.  Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so
much that you just want to pick them from your dreams
and hug them for real.
Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go;
be what you want be,m because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep
you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes.  If you feel that it
hurts you , it probably hurts the other person too.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who
have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can
appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a
tear.  The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten
past.  You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past
failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you
was smiling.  Live your life so that when you  die, you are the
one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What's in a name?

Trina Marie Peterson.  I am named after one of my mothers best friends, my great grandmother and then obviously took on my dad's last name.  I looked up what my name means, Trina = Pure, Marie = Star of the Sea, Peterson = Translates Peter's son. 

I have educated myself on my ancestry, knowing where I came from has been very interesting.  My great grandmother brought my family into our religion and most of us have remained faithful since, many of her siblings did not follow her same beliefs.  At 14 she made different decisions and sacrifices for her beliefs and thousands since have been influenced.  I am proud to be named after such a remarkable person and I feel a responsibility to carry on her name with respect and honor.

We all die, and all that really remains through time is our posterity, our teachings, traditions and hopefully our example.  When I think of this, I feel a certain duty to make sure all the sacrifices that were made before me on my behalf weren't in vain.  It's imperitive that I follow in my family's footsteps, that I uphold their legacy, that I don't dirty their name. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Perhaps negatives are merely postives with adverse affects?

I have PTSD (It's an important part of the story). Below are a few definitions:

PTSD is a psychological condition that affects those who have experienced a traumatizing or life-threatening event such as combat, natural disasters, serious accidents, or violent personal assaults.

An anxiety disorder based on how an individual responds to a traumatic event

A psychological disorder that develops in some individuals who have had psychologically traumatic experiences. Events which may be traumatic are marked by a perceived threat of death or injury, fear, helplessness (loss of control), or horror. As a result I would do damn near everything in my power to feel safe and secure.  Sometimes I feel afraid and I have no idea why but, I have developed various tactics to take care of myself.   Trust me it has made my life anything but dull!

Further expanation;  It is called the flight or fight response.  In the wild if a bear is mauling a smaller animal it does one of two things, it either fights back orit will freeze, play dead.  On some occasions this causes the bear to lose interest, not always.  Humans are animals, we seem to forget it though.  The frontal lobe cortx in the brain is our "higher thinking", it's where are personality is, our reasoning and logic.  This is what seperates us from other animals, they don't have this.  When in a traumatic situation our body literally takes us over, shuts off this "higher thinking" and we act the same as animals in the wild.  This affects the central nervous system, not just in the moment, it becomes more sensitive in order to keep you out of future similar situations and to build the ability to "alarm" you sooner.  Interesting, and a total out of mind experience.

After hearing the why, it makes more sense as to why I may abruptly leave a situation.  I am experiencing intense, sometimes unexplicable fear.  To keep my body from completely overtaking my mind I attempt to diffuse the situation, I talk myself down, take medication and sometimes it goes away.  If I don't catch on quick enough to take those precautions, I leave in order to prevent embarrassment, or reacting wrongly to another. 

When this isn't known to the people I'm around, and a lot of times it isn't (cause come on, it's personal!), I can come across rude, flaky, sketchy etc...  As intellectual beings we tend to attempt to connect the dots ourselves.  Rarely people assume I leave due to a phsycological disorder, they usually assess the situation and draw their own conclusions.  Complicated sounding and it kind of is, but I have learned to recover quite well, I've had to, otherwise I would be misread and misunderstood by many in my life. 

This has brought a bit of a pain but it has also shown me an interesting light.  I am forced to be vulnerable to others.  I have developed a dire need to expose truths.  I look at all angles of situations and opinions, wondering where and why they were formed.  In short I question everything and I am not hasty in making judgements or drawing conclusions.  The pain I experienced that gave me PTSD, also gave me deeper relationships, patience and a more balanced way of viewing life. Hmmmm.....

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Invent your task and pace yourself!

Words to live by. 
Wake up, shower, brush my teeth, floss, makeup, hair, dress, cup of coffee, drive to work, work, come home, unwind, catch up on emails, phone friends and family; the "Daily Grind".
Sound familiar?  Things we all must do to simply live our lifestyles.  This makes up most of our life, the routine in which we enroll ourselves to.  I am ever changing my routine, trying new things, looking for the next adventure and impulsively taking risks even when I know better  :) 
I have been contemplating this cycle of life; allowing it to consume the better part of my day.  If people choose "what they are going to be when they grow up", why don't they be what they want to be?  Money is a big reason, the risk is too scary, it doesn't work for there social group, or they just kind of gave up and settled for the easy way! 
I refuse to let this be me.  It's too sad and depressing to me to allow this to be my life.  I'm in love with the idea of loving what I do!
 When I write I am free, not to blurt out anything on my mind.  I live in a world of free, what topic will I chose?  I invent my own tasks, pace myself and choose which way to meet my challenge. It's wonderful.  I choose to stretch my mind to exhaustion, I make my work important.  I alone notice if my work is unfinished, the unwritten words are my responsibility.  This is no weight on my shoulder, it is my duty.  I owe the world my talent and that makes this my number one priority. 
My greatness is in my own eyes, so much is left unsaid. The world still turns without my script.  My work is only missed by me.  This is why the priceless trudge must go on.  Risk is mine alone to be taken, the chance of it being dismissed or misconstrued my liability. 
Further, only I am to blame if the world never knows what I had to say.