Sunday, May 29, 2011

Spirit vs. Body

My last blog I wrote before entering the hospital was about death, ironic... If I were to die tomorrow?  I kinda did die, I'm not sure what constitutes death.  Separation of spirit from body.... If that is your definition then yes, I died.  I don't think my heart stopped, but my lungs did, my breathing did, life was gone... My heart lingered on, weakly beating and giving up too. 

It's an odd thing to experience, feeling my spirit disconnect from this body that was it's home for so long.  Looking at a body with pity.  My body.  It didn't feel like mine, I could no longer control it, I tried, it didn't respond.  It's almost as though I didn't deserve it.  This vessel fought to stay alive so I could be here, labored with every task, every breathe, heartbeat and thought weighed heavy on this poor girl.  She was dying, I was watching.  I was safe, I was out, I couldn't go far, I wanted to but I just couldn't.  I listened to the Doctors teach the new nurses how to take my blood from arterial veins, I observed their demeanor's, I listened to a blessings thinking maybe their falling on deaf ears, I heard my parents receive the news that their daughter may not pull through, 2 kids earlier that day with the same thing hadn't...... 

Perspective. This was a new one.  Watching and wondering the outcome?  Will I make it?  More accurately stated, will my body make it?  Because I was still around.  I still was alive in some way or another, aware of life and all that was going on around me.  It was hard to watch, at times I wanted to close my eyes and be onto the next part because it was too painful.  I stayed anyway.  

I had to.  At times I could feel when I would disconnect from myself because the physical pain was so frustrating.  It was unbearable, I was screaming but no one could hear me, I was freezing, I couldn't control my body, and maybe I had no right to.  Perhaps that was a privilege that had to be taken away from me for a while, after all I got myself into this.  Not on purpose this time, accidentally.  I take medication and I mixed the wrong things together, bad combination = Trina dead.   Bad time to mess up. 

It's no longer a mystery what I would say, how I would react, what I would do if I were to die.... I did, I know what I said, I know who I loved, I know what mattered most in life.  It became clear so fast, so easily.... People matter, love matters.

Find what is sacred to you, who you love and don't stop no matter how many mistakes they make because you make mistakes too.  The only thing I could imagine being worse than hearing my parents receive the news that odds were more likely I would cease to live would be the doctor having no one to tell that news to at all.  Realizing your loved ones had no idea they were loved by you. 

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