Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's never really an easy thing to be myself, to be open and vulnerable.  I have actually become quite good and keeping people at a distance.  I have been afraid, afraid to be hurt, afraid to be left, afraid to be taken advantage of.  Slowly I stopped living among society, I have been socially paralyzed.  The truth is I can't prevent bad things happening or people leaving me, but I can choose how to react.  If  I never allow people close to me I am depriving myself of the purpose of life.  Why live if you are trying to keep everything unpredictable out? Life is unpredictable, so I am letting go.  I am in charge of how I react.... of my actions... of mastering my emotions... I don't like to hurt but it is nice to feel.  Things have been looking up for me as of late, pieces are falling into place finally.  You know why I think this is?  Because I am getting out of the way of myself.  I am allowing others to love me and to know me.  My authentic me, the me that I have loved so much that I have kept everyone away from her so she doesn't get hurt. To be honest, I'm pretty awesome.  I have so much to offer the world, experiences that allow me to connect to others on deeper levels, and I am not denying the world of these gifts nor myself.  I am a natural leader but I have been making myself follow.  Nothing feels worse than keeping yourself from your own dreams.  I have felt like my being great would keep others from feeling comfortable around me, I haven't wanted to be selective about those in my life because I never wanted to turn anyone down, but I learned a simple question that has rocked my world.....What's in my best interest?  Now this isn't to be interpreted to selfishness, think of it as self realization.  If I am going to be the best person I can be, the kind of friend I want to be then I need to be careful what I am putting myself around and who I put myself around.  Some people are more inspiring to me than others, some help me see myself more accurately, some know how to support me, and really it has made life so much more simple.  I am no longer a slave to life, I am not just accepting situations, I am creating them.  I am creating my world and it is looking beautiful, I look forward what my future holds and I am grateful for the lessons of the past and right now I am doing myself the favor of being right here in the moment and it feels damn good.  Writing is satisfying to me, the written word is powerful and connecting to others and allowing them to connect to me is what I crave.  It's my purpose in life, well one of them.  I have a gift to love, accept, and guide anyone that is seeking it. I plan on doing great things!
Rejoice in the way things are....

A magical day

Our feelings were completely understandable, justifiable and kept us in our smallness.  Hurt feelings, lost trust, the same boy, a tragic disease and a bundle of horrific experiences are the foundation of our newfound friendship.  She ended up in the same hotel room as me, shocked and taken off guard I behaved badly while she showed me kindness.  I was stubborn, selfish and rude to her.  The next day I reflected on the experience, what right did I have to treat another person badly?  I didn't have any right, God knows I have behaved terribly and made epic mistakes time and time again, I felt very embarrassed, ashamed and sad that I was ignorant enough to believe it was okay at the time... it clearly wasn't.  I mustered up the courage to make a phone call after much thought, I wasn't sure what to say?  How would she react?  I would understand if she hung up on me, or didn't answer.  Bracing myself I made the call, it went to her voice mail.  My heart was racing trying to put together words of sincerity before the beep.  How would I approach it?  I never leave messages I  am terrible at it, I usually stutter and go on and on and on.  So naturally she could hear my nerves on her voicemail asking if she would like to be my friend?  She called back shortly we chatted for a bit, it was awkward, special, humbling, nerve wrecking and exciting.  I didn't see any reason for there to be ill feelings between us and neither did she.  We decided to keep in touch and to spend time getting to know eachother.  This friendship would take extra effort, it took us both swalllowing our pride, forgiving one another for the hurt we had caused, we loved the same boy.  We clearly had something in common. It was months later that we finally got together.  It was two days ago and I have to say it was a most magical day.  We talked about life, cancer, boys, love, our secrets, what we knew of eachother through mutual friends (we actually knew quite a bit) and drinks turned into an all night all day adventure.  This angel introduced me to her friends and let me into her life without reservation.  All of us slept in a queen size bed and snuggled up to eachother, we laughed, dressed up in wigs and ate almond butter sandwiches.  I left the next day and on the drive home I kept smiling, thinking how happy I was to have met another wonderful person and through her I met plenty more.  I had just lost a friend, my Kars passed away on Monday and I hadn't felt like myself.  She got me out of my head and showed me love which was just what I needed.  When I woke up that morning I didn't expect anything extraordinary out of my day... It was magical to feel love when I needed it most by someone who had every reason to with hold it from me.  Lesson learned.  It made me think, how many people have I missed out on because of petty misunderstandings, and grudges?  It really only hurts me in the end to hold onto it.  Thanks darling for giving me the opportunity to learn, to get out of my head...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I am not sure of anything really. I am always changing my opinions and my view on life, reforming, growing, taking steps back and getting to know myself daily.  I am not sure how I will react in any given situation but i'm not sure that i'm supposed to.  I send cosmic questions into the void, not expecting an answer.  I have been through many trials in my life as have many people.  I don't believe in keeping them a secret, what good does that do?  Maybe something I say will reach someone out there and help them know they aren't alone in what they may be feeling.  I remember wanting someone to tell me how I was supposed to live my life because I felt I was being criticized for not handling it more gracefully. I do it my way, the way that makes sense in my head.  I have to live with me, so it is important I am true to myself no matter how cliche that may sound.  Some days I am happy some days I am sad and others I am just plain bored but life is about feeling the full spectrum of emotion.  I just hope that people around me can support me and show me love and that is what I strive to do.  Show others compassion and love.  Plato said it best, "remember everyone is always going through something"