Sunday, May 29, 2011

Spirit vs. Body

My last blog I wrote before entering the hospital was about death, ironic... If I were to die tomorrow?  I kinda did die, I'm not sure what constitutes death.  Separation of spirit from body.... If that is your definition then yes, I died.  I don't think my heart stopped, but my lungs did, my breathing did, life was gone... My heart lingered on, weakly beating and giving up too. 

It's an odd thing to experience, feeling my spirit disconnect from this body that was it's home for so long.  Looking at a body with pity.  My body.  It didn't feel like mine, I could no longer control it, I tried, it didn't respond.  It's almost as though I didn't deserve it.  This vessel fought to stay alive so I could be here, labored with every task, every breathe, heartbeat and thought weighed heavy on this poor girl.  She was dying, I was watching.  I was safe, I was out, I couldn't go far, I wanted to but I just couldn't.  I listened to the Doctors teach the new nurses how to take my blood from arterial veins, I observed their demeanor's, I listened to a blessings thinking maybe their falling on deaf ears, I heard my parents receive the news that their daughter may not pull through, 2 kids earlier that day with the same thing hadn't...... 

Perspective. This was a new one.  Watching and wondering the outcome?  Will I make it?  More accurately stated, will my body make it?  Because I was still around.  I still was alive in some way or another, aware of life and all that was going on around me.  It was hard to watch, at times I wanted to close my eyes and be onto the next part because it was too painful.  I stayed anyway.  

I had to.  At times I could feel when I would disconnect from myself because the physical pain was so frustrating.  It was unbearable, I was screaming but no one could hear me, I was freezing, I couldn't control my body, and maybe I had no right to.  Perhaps that was a privilege that had to be taken away from me for a while, after all I got myself into this.  Not on purpose this time, accidentally.  I take medication and I mixed the wrong things together, bad combination = Trina dead.   Bad time to mess up. 

It's no longer a mystery what I would say, how I would react, what I would do if I were to die.... I did, I know what I said, I know who I loved, I know what mattered most in life.  It became clear so fast, so easily.... People matter, love matters.

Find what is sacred to you, who you love and don't stop no matter how many mistakes they make because you make mistakes too.  The only thing I could imagine being worse than hearing my parents receive the news that odds were more likely I would cease to live would be the doctor having no one to tell that news to at all.  Realizing your loved ones had no idea they were loved by you. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Between heaven and hell their is one place you never want to go.  The hospital.

-Trina Marie

Whats your Worth?

What do I bring to the table?
What do I offer the world? 
How do I make an impact in those I love all around me?

At one point or another in life I would bet we have all asked our one if not all of these questions.  I know I have. It is amazing to think that we overlook the fact that we exist. I was in the hospital a week ago today, I was actually damn near dead.

No inhaling breathe, blue lips, splotchy skin, temperature dropping, I couldn't keep myself alive.  I was dying. I knew how to breath but my body wouldn't do it, but I was breathing?  No, he was breathing for me, I was on life support, sustaining the body which carried my soul through life.

Lucid for 5 seconds, taking all my strength I spoke my last words.  "I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive. I don't want to go to the hospital.  Let me go.... Please"  Taking 20 seconds, not sure what to take these words for.  He prayed.

I am here, he brought me back to life. All that matters is the fact that we do exist!  We live, to have dreams, to create joy, to be a flavor, a spice added to life.  Without us, the world isn't complete.  Diversity, personality, purely being is what makes this world so special.  No one else knows how to be me, and because I am still here I'm fulfilling the biggest gift I could give to the world. I am bringing my own original, love, zest, persona, and that is valuable, being on your death bed puts a different perspective on things.

Friday, May 13, 2011

If you were to die tomorrow?

Cliche, yes.  I've told myself that is unrealistic to live everyday like it were my last.  The same question refined, is what is important in your life, so important that it shouldn't go another day unattended to, or un- resolved?  Do the people you love know just how much they mean to you?  In this perspective what grudges are worth holding?  It weeds out pettiness, selfishness, vanity, judgement, it prioritizes your life for you.

It puts things in order quite quick, what good do grudges, ill feelings, gossip do for you?   It hurts you, others too, the ones you do love.  A stranger is rude it is easy to shrug off, a family member, friend, lover... it may as well of been a knife, it hurts just as bad and will take time to heal.  The reason we get hurt by people is because we love them, we care about them, so when they do us wrong it hurts worse, the betrayal eats at you and it can feel impossible to forgive, to repair or build back the bridge.  

Perfecting forgiveness is imperative in life in order to have successful loving relationships with any human.  Because that right there is our problem, we are human, we all make mistakes, not trying to... It happens.  I have offended people before and had no idea and others have to hurt me and were clueless to it.  People matter, more than anything. We will disappoint one another at some point, say the wrong thing, do hurtful, seemingly unforgivable things, but we will forgive anyways because we are in no place to judge and chances are we have hurt someone too, we haven't been perfect. 

So next time you are feeling entitled, in the right, boasted up by your pride in knowing you are right, ask yourself if it is worth your relationship, that persons feelings?  Ask if it's worth losing their love?  Them in your life altogether. Even if you feel clearly right, and you very well may be, so what?  You have been wrong before, how would you feel if it were reversed?  It isn't our place to hold each other and judge, it is ours to love and forgive...

Live every day like it matters, don't procrastinate love or allow pettiness or pride to be what ruin your relationships, the people you love.  Prioritize, live on purpose.  People matter most, their feelings. If I were to die tomorrow and those things were in order I'd be okay!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Daily Observence

Very rarely will someone just say it.  How are you? Typical response good, fine, great,etc... Honestly has been so far driven out of our daily interactions, some have the gall to call it etiquette.

I don't ask we exploit our lives, but how in the hell does anyone expect to make progress if we repeat the same things over and over.  I am exhausted by most humans, I dread running into someone from the past, I abhor dating, loathe meeting people and refuse to attend funerals, weddings or baby showers... (btw, I'm thinking of holding an, I'm single shower, I want presents too!) This all sounds selfish, rude, insincere and self righteous of me.  Maybe it is, I don't claim to be perfect, nor to be a master at what I preach.... I see it this way.

I don't care to have the same conversation over and over again and that is all I hear.  Different faces,  same approaches, human behavior is literally so predictable that we have been able to categorize everything!!  Mental conditions due to specific events, how a person will react to them, how best to treat them.  So alike, the groups that refuse to conform thus conforming to nonconformity.

Stereotypes of people, classes... it has been done throughout the ages.  Their were even trends dating back to Jesus Christ.  Many painters haven't been sure if he should be painted with a beard or clean shaven because, the trend at the time was to be clean shaven. 

What good are we doing?  AA, NA,CA- the first step in making progress is admitting you have a problem.  People look down on the addicts, tell your mistakes, how you are going to fix it, have a support group.  Where is the support group of life?  Seriously??? 

Moms struggle everyday not knowing what to do with their out of control teenager, their daughter who is getting a divorce, their anorexic daughter, the husband that has depression.  Dads struggle on how to keep it together because falling apart just isn't an option when they are stressed, how to provide, are they showing enough love, how do you have a relationship with a gay son?  Us, kids, who should we be around, how do we select our friends, how do you handle your drug addicted brother, learning to take abuse because what else do you do?

There are real issues in the world, people going through crisis everyday, feeling alone and like they are the only ones and having no where to go and no one to talk to.  The irony in it all is, the masks we put on are enabling our own progress.  Facebook, blogs parading our polite lies so others won't judge us or look down at us and think we are failing.  Not that the other extreme of bitching and wining our woes is the right way to go either.  Life is hard.  Not always but, yes, at times it is overwhelmingly so.  So why do so many of us put off life as being perfect?  Is it to need to feel superior?  Or are we over compensating for our insecurities? 

Either way, balance is a good idea in all things.  So it is most likely true when it comes to life.  It isn't all good, it's not supposed to be.  Nor is it all bad.  Admitting our faults and shortcomings may just open the door to a helping hand rather than the weight of the world on your shoulders. Atlas, or Goldilocks?