Thursday, February 17, 2011

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -Buddha

Habits are safer than rules; you don't have to watch them. And you don't have to keep them, either; they keep you. -Dr. Frank Crane

Lost in translation....

 I have been studying from books lately, soaking up all I can about interesting people, controversial ideas and socially accepted concepts.  I consider myself a student of life.  Forever learning. Questioning.  Observing.  Forming opinions.

I have a tattoo on my back that is Hebrew, what I wanted it to say is "love one self regardless".  I went to a college professor to get it translated, in Hebrew the literal translation is "love your self despite everyone and everything".  Interesting.  I knew wanted I wanted it to say, when translated it had to change a little bit due the different language.  "Love one self regardless", stated in English is to show myself unconditional love, regardless of anything or anyone.  It has a positive connotation behind it."Love your self despite everyone and everything", this said in English has a negative notion behind it, saying; everyone and everything doesn't love you, but despite that, love your self anyway.   When my tattoo is read by the ransom Israeli they often give me a hug, strangers, because in their language it isn't taken negatively to word something in such a manner.  So why is this so interesting to me?

When reading books, if we are to truly understand what the author wants to portray, everything needs to be taken into consideration.  When was this written?  If it originally was written in English it doesn't matter, words were used differently 100 years ago, even 50 years ago.  Respect, Honor, Virtue; these all had very different meanings than they do today.  Look them up in a dictionary written in the years 1800-1840.  The dictionary is always changing and being updated.  What language was it originally written in?  What words and phrases are meant to be said another way?  No words have the same meaning, it is true we can take words out of context, believing them to mean something entirely different than what they were originally intended to portray.

Think back on all the many books we read and learn from.  Famous authors, poets and play writers we study throughout our lives.  Shakespeare, Plato, Nietzsche, even the teachings in the bible that came from famous Prophets.  It could very well be that we are polluting the words of our teachers, diminishing the true meaning of their words, construing their principles and following jaded concepts by simply reading them and not looking deeper into the obvious.  A lot of their works were written during a certain time period; politics, law, society, world issues, languages were all different variables that were just that, different. Principles taken from the past may now be void, of no use to the day in which we now live.  Our information is tainted, unless looked into further and carefully deciphered.  What are we not learning because it was lost in translation?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

For Kars and Nixon

I tell myself you're in a better place
I am not sure that you are.
I still talk to you when I miss you
I hope you're listening from afar.

Lying to find comfort
Needing peace of mind
You didn't mean to leave me
You thought it was your time

I smile through our memories
I wish we could make more.
I cry about the future
Your gone now...What for?

Questions linger harder
I doubt my own beliefs
Who would take you away from me?
Only the prince of peace

Your special gifts were needed
That I can get behind.
You're still on your journey
I am still on mine.

Think about me often
Know I think about you too.
Together we'll get through this
Together me and you.

There's a reason we got through things
It's because it was you and me.
Let's make it through this separation, 
It may be long but don't you see?

Someday we will reunite and then we'll have eternity.....


You are on my mind so much lately.  I have gone down memory lane quite a bit.  Remember riverside golfing?  Taking the golf cart "off-roading" and having some beers by the river, literally. I laughed so hard it made me sore!  You ensured me that was how golf was meant to be played that everyone else had it wrong :)  High school, skipping class because we could and we had so much more fun things to do than go to school.  We found it imperative to go for drives, get slurpys and listening to bone thugs. Oh man.  We could really push each others buttons couldn't we.  I hated when you would put a price on everything, "that'll be ten bucks" and you hated that I was a "flake" constantly lecturing me on the importance of getting back to you promptly.  Oh god, you make me laugh, cry, smile, miss you and remember the life we lived together.  The only problem is you also were always there, it's as though you had a light that would go off when I was in need of a friend, because every time life was rough, there you were.  Running into you while I was going through my divorce, through my drug troubles, boy problems, when I lost my loved ones, when I was just plain scared of living.  You were there.  I wish you were here cause I need to talk to you now.  I need you to take me to dinner like you used to, buy me a drink and make me laugh by updating me on the mischief you have been involved in.  Then you'd get serious and tell me how great we had it, that the world was ours, and to keep my head up. Go to your house and watch movies all night and talk til we fell asleep. It always worked, you knew how to make me feel better.  Kars, I always valued what we had, the kind of friend you were to me.  I just never got to tell you how much it meant to have you around.  You were the glue that held me together so many times, your laugh made me laugh, you were my best friend, you were my husband to be (if we weren't married by 30), you are irreplaceable.  Save me a place by you where you are now, because we have much left to do together.  I love you Kars, keep an eye on me...


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A house on the water, any water, a lake or the ocean.  I can't get it out of my mind but it is so clear.  I dream vividly sometimes.  It's a different kind of dream state, it stays with me but it is usually not about much.  Once it was a simple shopping mall that I drove by in a green jeep wrangler. It was like I was there but nothing too amazing about it, a few months later I was in N.C visting and in my friends green jeep we drove past this shopping mall, I knew it was going to be there, I had seen it before.  This happens throughout my life, almost like little mile markers telling me yes Trina, you are going in the right direction, I am where I need to be.  It isn't frequent and I can't usually make it out, another time it was a specific rock on a lake which I visited later and passed on a jet ski, it made me smile knowing in that moment there I was.  The latest dream is a house on the water, right by the shore, I am not sure what about it?  I haven't seen it before, but I know I will.  Life can be magical, more than any of us can imagine....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Truth is a hard master and costly to serve but in the end it simplifies all....

Need I honestly say much more? 

Insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different reslutls. -Einstein

This is simply stated and one of the most difficult to overcome really.  Swish it around a little bit, taste it, and think on  it..... How often in life do I want a different outcome yet go about doing it in the same way?  I change who I date, but I stay stubborn in my same behaviours most my relationships that end on my part or never start are because I do the same thing, I get freaked out, I create distance, I try to keep one foot in and one out, I convince myself I am undeserving of the wonderful guy I am with and then I bitch and moan about how there are no good guys out there right? All I am doing is changing the character playing that role but I am holding onto behaviours that I know are not serving me or getting me where I want to be. NUTS!!! Seriously, and it is everywhere.  Restaurants, I'll order the same thing because I know it's good then complain that I have to eat there because I am not in the mood for that ONE dish while there is literally plenty of other things on the menu.  Something bothers me and rather than modifying my behaviour, I justify it and stay the same while somehow manipulating myself into believing it is going to work when clearly it didn't and doesn't.  As I started looking around we all do it, mankind, the human race yet we believe we are on the frontier of something new and complain about our misfortunes when really our very own daily patterns and routines stay just the same.  We are predictable.  Not that it is a bad thing to find something that works and stick to it, but I do wonder how many opportunities are missed because some sort of fear that keeps us in our comfort zones?  What beliefs do we feed ourselves daily in an attempt to grasp some sort of control over our own worlds?  I have been raped, and I have confided in others. Spoken about it.  The most common reaction I got was that I was lying, that it couldn't happen in Utah, happy valley. Right? I was 14, it blew my mind that people honestly wanted to make it out that I was lying rather than believe what I was saying.  In some situations I was reaching out, in others I told people because they noticed a change in my behaviour, etc...  Now, wrap your mind around this, why would someone want to believe that some young teen was lying about being sexually abused, rather than accepting it?  It was unreal, some had never let their minds go there literally... I personally find it more messed up that it is socially accepted to call a victim a liar, than believe what someone is literally speaking to you... Think on it..... I would have needed to be a pretty corrupt person to want that kind of attention, to exploit myself sexually at that age and to take it to court and fight it for a year. Seriously, who does that?  (I didn't get money, or any compensation like that, I just wanted the guy out of my school) It screwed with my head, lawyers, judges, police, friends, family, religion, society questioning if I was a truthful person? I questioned my own sanity.  People asked me the same questions over and over truly expecting a different answer.  What I took away from it was a bit of wisdom and a lot of questions about the world in which I lived in and the people around me...  I do not tell you these things now hoping for pity, or to cheapen experiences of those who have been through something similiar.  This is my hope; to show yet another perspective on this mysterious planet of ours, to bring an organic light to less socially accepted situations, and to find some sort of peace in knowing that perhaps I am reaching out to someone somewhere who has questions creating a raw relationship and stretching our minds because in my eyes it is so needed.  I am challenging myself to step outside my comfort zones, to try new things, experience more life, so that I can love more and connect with more beautiful, unique, gifted  people.  If I know it all right now I may as well be dead, the past few days have been amazing because of the unknown.  I don't know who I will see, what I will feel or what I am going to do?  I feel alive...alive...deep breathe :) alive... I  am doing different things and it's exciting because I know it is going to change my world, I am no longer a slave to my habits out of fear of living and it feels pretty damn good. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

We hear these words but why don't we believe them?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This is so beyond true... It's sad how overlooked it is, really.  I was guilty of it.  I had it all a few months ago, the man of my dreams.  Literally, all the things I wanted in a guy came right to me and nearly fell in my lap, actually he was hired onto our team.  I noticed him from the get go, he was cute, okay hot but it makes him sound cheap and he isn't.  He was quite charming, I observed him daily wondering what he was like? I noticed the sugarfree redbull he had everyday, his car was always in prestine condition as was he.  His hair always in place, and he wore very simple clothing, levis and vans, all black.  His eyes were very kind, he seemed trustworthy and I don't trust men, (it's kinda a rule I had) but mmm, he was different.  We worked at 5a.m. so I didn't exactly come looking like my usual gorgeous self, I carried my toothbrush with me in case I woke up late.  I usually through on a hat/ponytail, whatever black I could find on my floor and ran out the door barely making it on time.  I listened to my i pod the entire shift then left hopefully not having to speak to anyone, the occasional nod or hello.  For some reason this boy showed an interest in me, at a work party (which I showed up to distraught having just fought with my date resulting in getting dropped off and left alone) where I was once again not showing my better qualities. He took an interest in me and we hit it off.  Somehow he found me "cute" when I was dirty and sloppy and "witty" when really I just wasn't paying attention.  Now contrary to how I sound so far I am actually very particular and difficult to please, having divorce under my belt and unfortunate experiences for years I tend to nit pick. It was hard to do this to him, he knew me better than I knew myself.  For the first time in a long time I was happy, loved, and it was for me.  The little things he did went a long way, cooking me late night asparagus, taking my vitamins which I assured him were life changing, staying up with me when I couldn't sleep, forgiving me when I lost his stuff or broke it or set his seat on fire, loving the artwork on my arm, appreciating my "dark side", and wanting me in no other way than how I was.  He was Gods way of saying okay Trina it is now your turn, take it. Be happy, be loved, adored, wined and dined, cherished and treated like a princess because that you are.  I was, it was wonderful. So why all the was', the past tense?  If all of it was so perfect why is it not still?  I have wondered that every day, and I finally have an answer.  I didn't feel I deserved it, I wasn't used to it.  I put myself on the sidelines of life and I watched other people get married, be happy and have it work out, that was never the case for me.  Somewhere in me I was sure he would leave, the fairytale would end, and I would be alone.  Well I am.  I didn't cheat on him, I cheated myself.  I could never cheat on Kyle, he was all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed and the day he left a part of me died too.  I was afraid to be great, to live up to my birthright, to be seen by people and to let them see me, the me that Kyle knew.  Ky brought me back to life, he made sense of my existence, he isn't perfect but he is perfect for me. I put limitations on our relationship, how long it could last?  how much happiness we would have?  when he would stop loving me? I didn't ask the more important question, perhaps he served his purpose in my life?  I think he did, he helped me heal and left me to explore the world and learn.  That I will do.

The lateset tude...

I could not have imagined an adventure this big in order to have wished for it!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Famed Novelist Saul Bellow once declared, "You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write." and he won a Nobel prize.

Almost all these writings came to me in the middle of the night, so i don't correct them even if they ought to be corrected.  I like them raw, organic. i can honestly say their is no bullshit and rarely a spell check done and that is what makes it perfect to me. People are comfortable, okay with what they know. it is the unknown that really makes them weary, freaks them out.  Being around happy people for example is easy, you know what to say, how to act, and you can most likely predict their actions.  It's like blinders, the things the horses wear.  They keep all out of sight so one single task can be accomplished. heaven forbid we see outside our reality and are startled and thrown off course a bit. If it is not in our view we simply push on without questioning anything really keeping ourselves from developing further.  Tis worse I'm afraid if the unknown does make it into our line of sight because we are left to tell the story, to attempt to grasp something we known nothing about?  Suicide attempts for example, I don't look the stereotype, nor act it. So when my erratic behaviour comes on people get scared and don't know what to do.  Uneducated guesses becoming fact, gossip spreading quicker than any plague becuase fear of the unknown scares us all.  Ignorance is bliss right? We cause most of the lies that infect our society by need to have a story, by needing something to be explained, having to have the answer.  Could we lack the humility that we don't know all and that is totally okay?  We dig our own emotional graves and doom our relationships by assuming, by putting together stories to suffice our minds, to justify our actions, so ultimately we can feel in control of our lives and sleep at night.  Thus our loves transform to tragedies for the sake of being right and making sense of a situation with all the wrong facts. Pride could very well be our downfall.

Rasputin v.s. Trina

Quick history lesson Rasputin was a russian mystic who worked closely with the royal russian family. He supposedly had great influence in the fall of the Romanov dynasty.  Their were many who wanted him dead, their really isn't too much excitement about his life but his death is what is legendary.  He was stabbed by a prostitute in his abdomen and his intestines were mangled outside of his body...(not trying to be gross)... he went through extensive surgery and he lived.  This was surgery done in the early 1900's mind you. so yikes!  When this attempt failed he was invited to a dinner by a goup of nobles who decided to poison him.  They put enough cyanide in his wine to kill 5 men and he was unaffected.  Determined to finish the job one of the men shot Rasputin in the back with a revolver then left.  Realizing he had left his coat he went back into the palace, while there he realized the body had moved.  Rasputin was beated rolled up in a carpet and thrown into the icy Neva river.  Three days later, Rasputin's body, poisoned, shot four times, badly beaten, and drowned, was recovered from the river. An autopsy established that the cause of death was drowning, His arms were found in an upright position, as if he had tried to claw his way out from under the ice. It was found that he had indeed been poisoned, and that the poison alone should have been enough to kill him. There is a report that after his body was recovered, water was found in the lungs, supporting the idea that he was still alive before submersion into the freezing water. So how does any of this relate to me?  Well a few days ago I had mentioned I tried to take my life.  I mean I was so done, finished.  Every part of my body ached with sadness, it hurt to be alive and I didn't want to.  I was failing at  everything in my eyes. Pathetic sounding? Yes, selfish?  Most certainly but I didn't see it like that in the moment.  I didn't want attention, it wasn't a cry for help, I was really done, and so I wanted to be sure I wouldn't end up alive and somehow crippled, brain dead, I didn't want to suffer just go to sleep and not wake up. Life up to this point had felt like a bad dream with a few highlights but the bad out weighed the good by far. I took 2 bottles of sleeping pills, 1 bottle of benzodizopines, 1 bottle of heart medication I take to slow my heart if it goes too fast, 1 bottle of extra strength tylenol which reaks havoc on your liver and finally alcohol, 1/2 a bottle of whiskey and beer.  I wasn't found til the next morning. I have been in and out of it for the last 4and a half days.  A little memory loss, lower blood pressure but nothing too dangerous. Needless to say I think I am supposed to be here. As far as biology goes, physics it all makes no sense really.  I am okay, I look like hell and my head is killing me but I am here.  I am grateful and I am sorry for all those that I freaked out.  I was thinking only of me, being so selfish. I am not very good at reaching out to people when I need it but I am learning to. I will be humble enough to swallow my pride and tell you, my friends I am not okay, I am not always strong, and I need someone to snuggle with so I can cry.  I have a wierd thinking that I am not supposed to show weakness, it isn't weakness... it is me working through some hard shit.  Thanks to my angels you know who you are. I am forever grateful.


i am very aware of the fact that i am alone...lonely.  i have been for a while now, it seems to only grow thicker and thicker.  memories of cuddling nights are ever so distant, almost just a dream.  i slept so much more peacefully  and if i couldn't at least i had company.  love can become a toxin. something i literally repel and push out of my life as though it will kill me eventually. it goes as quickly as it comes but it leaves a void.  for so long i remember what it was that made me whole, i reminisce, i hold to those thoughts as though they were my lifeline.  it is my hope  to feel complete.  pieces of me are missing, wounds are healing and scars have developed.  i convince myself this is a growing period, a time to rise to the occasion, to toughen up, to grow.  but why do i feel like i am only growing more distant from everyone i know?  i am foreign to me, i miss listening to your heartbeat, holding your hand, hearing you breathe, feeling complete. i miss my dearest love. haunted in the night by your memory and wondering why you had to go? do you miss me? am i on your mind? do you love me?


a journal for passing the time when insomnia strikes and my brain is circlin in on itself, cannibalizing the trivialities of the day and exaggerating the ticking of the clock, reminding me that every minute spent awake is another minute closer to when i'll have to get up, though many of the reat artists and sages were insomniacs and that's part of how they got so much done, so if i can't sleep i might as well write and channel  my misery into something productive.....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

It happened once again

I get into these downward spiral thinking patterns, questioning the meaning of life, why we are here and what difference am I really making? This isn't always a good thing because I find that I take action when I come to conclusions.  In this case I wasn't sure what I was doing made any sort of difference so I decided to end it.  I took 5 or 6 bottles of pills and said my goodbyes. Kinda not really I actually wanted to just go silently. As you can see the attempt failed and I'm still not sure that is a good thing. I have had a unique life, one with joy, pain, sadness, love, and a whirlwind of every emotion.  I found every day to be a constant struggle.  It still is, but I am here.  I am here, I am exhausted and I probably sound quite ingrateful and I probable am.  So here is to yet again another go at the game we all play, Life...