Tuesday, May 22, 2012


It's never been the easiest thing for me to open up as a person to other people.  I quite frankly dread it above almost all else.  There is no exaggeration in that statement. Since as long as I can remember me being vulnerable equalled me being exploited.  No one ever protects your secrets, they want to know them to pass them on.  Hardly anyone has your best interest at heart and most of my miseries and sorrows were merely entertainment for the perfect stranger.  I don't believe this is every ones experience but it has been mine...

Living a life with a protective shell isn't much of a life either though.  I've tried that too.  I have looked into any loop hole I could find, any exception that may exist where I could possibly have meaningful relationships built on anything but truth.  The kind of truth that even I am scared to admit at times.  Like telling someone that I don't know if I will be okay that day, letting them know the invincible Trina does feel too, that I can't always brush things off, I'm exhausted from keeping up so many walls because I am scared to death that the next person will do so much damage that I won't be able to come back from it.  I am so used to isolation on so many levels because I know most if not all people cannot understand what my life has looked like that it would freak them out sooner than it would be a reason to be my friend.  Not to complain about my life but it is hard when your experiences isolate you from society because of their extremes. To have lived in so much pain and not be able to tell anyone about it is a cross no one should have to bear.

Let alone dating, living a life along side someone seems to become damn near impossible.  Not that they can't love me for who I am but I am not sure I am even capable of letting them know me all the way.  No one has been let in for so long, I don't believe I even have the knowledge or capacity to do it.  I lay awake at night and wonder about this.  I think of ways to be open and vulnerable, to allow others in.  I haven't known a way to do it.  I came to the solution a few months ago, that I need to tell my story.  Not just for others but for myself.  It's the only way I feel I can be free of my past and live any sort of meaningful life now.  It's far easier than it sounds, I've learned that much. but, I'm doing it and it's liberating and everyday I feel like I claim a part of me back that I haven't had in a long time.  I think it will help me feel whole again, I'm hoping for that anyway.