Friday, February 4, 2011

Rasputin v.s. Trina

Quick history lesson Rasputin was a russian mystic who worked closely with the royal russian family. He supposedly had great influence in the fall of the Romanov dynasty.  Their were many who wanted him dead, their really isn't too much excitement about his life but his death is what is legendary.  He was stabbed by a prostitute in his abdomen and his intestines were mangled outside of his body...(not trying to be gross)... he went through extensive surgery and he lived.  This was surgery done in the early 1900's mind you. so yikes!  When this attempt failed he was invited to a dinner by a goup of nobles who decided to poison him.  They put enough cyanide in his wine to kill 5 men and he was unaffected.  Determined to finish the job one of the men shot Rasputin in the back with a revolver then left.  Realizing he had left his coat he went back into the palace, while there he realized the body had moved.  Rasputin was beated rolled up in a carpet and thrown into the icy Neva river.  Three days later, Rasputin's body, poisoned, shot four times, badly beaten, and drowned, was recovered from the river. An autopsy established that the cause of death was drowning, His arms were found in an upright position, as if he had tried to claw his way out from under the ice. It was found that he had indeed been poisoned, and that the poison alone should have been enough to kill him. There is a report that after his body was recovered, water was found in the lungs, supporting the idea that he was still alive before submersion into the freezing water. So how does any of this relate to me?  Well a few days ago I had mentioned I tried to take my life.  I mean I was so done, finished.  Every part of my body ached with sadness, it hurt to be alive and I didn't want to.  I was failing at  everything in my eyes. Pathetic sounding? Yes, selfish?  Most certainly but I didn't see it like that in the moment.  I didn't want attention, it wasn't a cry for help, I was really done, and so I wanted to be sure I wouldn't end up alive and somehow crippled, brain dead, I didn't want to suffer just go to sleep and not wake up. Life up to this point had felt like a bad dream with a few highlights but the bad out weighed the good by far. I took 2 bottles of sleeping pills, 1 bottle of benzodizopines, 1 bottle of heart medication I take to slow my heart if it goes too fast, 1 bottle of extra strength tylenol which reaks havoc on your liver and finally alcohol, 1/2 a bottle of whiskey and beer.  I wasn't found til the next morning. I have been in and out of it for the last 4and a half days.  A little memory loss, lower blood pressure but nothing too dangerous. Needless to say I think I am supposed to be here. As far as biology goes, physics it all makes no sense really.  I am okay, I look like hell and my head is killing me but I am here.  I am grateful and I am sorry for all those that I freaked out.  I was thinking only of me, being so selfish. I am not very good at reaching out to people when I need it but I am learning to. I will be humble enough to swallow my pride and tell you, my friends I am not okay, I am not always strong, and I need someone to snuggle with so I can cry.  I have a wierd thinking that I am not supposed to show weakness, it isn't weakness... it is me working through some hard shit.  Thanks to my angels you know who you are. I am forever grateful.

1 comment:

  1. I love you lady. You are amazingly lovely and sweet. I am blessed to have you in my life. :) and I mean it.