Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different reslutls. -Einstein

This is simply stated and one of the most difficult to overcome really.  Swish it around a little bit, taste it, and think on  it..... How often in life do I want a different outcome yet go about doing it in the same way?  I change who I date, but I stay stubborn in my same behaviours most my relationships that end on my part or never start are because I do the same thing, I get freaked out, I create distance, I try to keep one foot in and one out, I convince myself I am undeserving of the wonderful guy I am with and then I bitch and moan about how there are no good guys out there right? All I am doing is changing the character playing that role but I am holding onto behaviours that I know are not serving me or getting me where I want to be. NUTS!!! Seriously, and it is everywhere.  Restaurants, I'll order the same thing because I know it's good then complain that I have to eat there because I am not in the mood for that ONE dish while there is literally plenty of other things on the menu.  Something bothers me and rather than modifying my behaviour, I justify it and stay the same while somehow manipulating myself into believing it is going to work when clearly it didn't and doesn't.  As I started looking around we all do it, mankind, the human race yet we believe we are on the frontier of something new and complain about our misfortunes when really our very own daily patterns and routines stay just the same.  We are predictable.  Not that it is a bad thing to find something that works and stick to it, but I do wonder how many opportunities are missed because some sort of fear that keeps us in our comfort zones?  What beliefs do we feed ourselves daily in an attempt to grasp some sort of control over our own worlds?  I have been raped, and I have confided in others. Spoken about it.  The most common reaction I got was that I was lying, that it couldn't happen in Utah, happy valley. Right? I was 14, it blew my mind that people honestly wanted to make it out that I was lying rather than believe what I was saying.  In some situations I was reaching out, in others I told people because they noticed a change in my behaviour, etc...  Now, wrap your mind around this, why would someone want to believe that some young teen was lying about being sexually abused, rather than accepting it?  It was unreal, some had never let their minds go there literally... I personally find it more messed up that it is socially accepted to call a victim a liar, than believe what someone is literally speaking to you... Think on it..... I would have needed to be a pretty corrupt person to want that kind of attention, to exploit myself sexually at that age and to take it to court and fight it for a year. Seriously, who does that?  (I didn't get money, or any compensation like that, I just wanted the guy out of my school) It screwed with my head, lawyers, judges, police, friends, family, religion, society questioning if I was a truthful person? I questioned my own sanity.  People asked me the same questions over and over truly expecting a different answer.  What I took away from it was a bit of wisdom and a lot of questions about the world in which I lived in and the people around me...  I do not tell you these things now hoping for pity, or to cheapen experiences of those who have been through something similiar.  This is my hope; to show yet another perspective on this mysterious planet of ours, to bring an organic light to less socially accepted situations, and to find some sort of peace in knowing that perhaps I am reaching out to someone somewhere who has questions creating a raw relationship and stretching our minds because in my eyes it is so needed.  I am challenging myself to step outside my comfort zones, to try new things, experience more life, so that I can love more and connect with more beautiful, unique, gifted  people.  If I know it all right now I may as well be dead, the past few days have been amazing because of the unknown.  I don't know who I will see, what I will feel or what I am going to do?  I feel alive...alive...deep breathe :) alive... I  am doing different things and it's exciting because I know it is going to change my world, I am no longer a slave to my habits out of fear of living and it feels pretty damn good. 

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