I REALIZE THAT FROM THE CRADLE UP I HAVE BEEN LIKE THE REST OF THE RACE-- NEVER QUITE SANE IN THE NIGHT- Mark Twain

i am very aware of the fact that i am alone...lonely.  i have been for a while now, it seems to only grow thicker and thicker.  memories of cuddling nights are ever so distant, almost just a dream.  i slept so much more peacefully  and if i couldn't at least i had company.  love can become a toxin. something i literally repel and push out of my life as though it will kill me eventually. it goes as quickly as it comes but it leaves a void.  for so long i remember what it was that made me whole, i reminisce, i hold to those thoughts as though they were my lifeline.  it is my hope  to feel complete.  pieces of me are missing, wounds are healing and scars have developed.  i convince myself this is a growing period, a time to rise to the occasion, to toughen up, to grow.  but why do i feel like i am only growing more distant from everyone i know?  i am foreign to me, i miss listening to your heartbeat, holding your hand, hearing you breathe, feeling complete. i miss my dearest love. haunted in the night by your memory and wondering why you had to go? do you miss me? am i on your mind? do you love me?