Saturday, February 5, 2011

We hear these words but why don't we believe them?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This is so beyond true... It's sad how overlooked it is, really.  I was guilty of it.  I had it all a few months ago, the man of my dreams.  Literally, all the things I wanted in a guy came right to me and nearly fell in my lap, actually he was hired onto our team.  I noticed him from the get go, he was cute, okay hot but it makes him sound cheap and he isn't.  He was quite charming, I observed him daily wondering what he was like? I noticed the sugarfree redbull he had everyday, his car was always in prestine condition as was he.  His hair always in place, and he wore very simple clothing, levis and vans, all black.  His eyes were very kind, he seemed trustworthy and I don't trust men, (it's kinda a rule I had) but mmm, he was different.  We worked at 5a.m. so I didn't exactly come looking like my usual gorgeous self, I carried my toothbrush with me in case I woke up late.  I usually through on a hat/ponytail, whatever black I could find on my floor and ran out the door barely making it on time.  I listened to my i pod the entire shift then left hopefully not having to speak to anyone, the occasional nod or hello.  For some reason this boy showed an interest in me, at a work party (which I showed up to distraught having just fought with my date resulting in getting dropped off and left alone) where I was once again not showing my better qualities. He took an interest in me and we hit it off.  Somehow he found me "cute" when I was dirty and sloppy and "witty" when really I just wasn't paying attention.  Now contrary to how I sound so far I am actually very particular and difficult to please, having divorce under my belt and unfortunate experiences for years I tend to nit pick. It was hard to do this to him, he knew me better than I knew myself.  For the first time in a long time I was happy, loved, and it was for me.  The little things he did went a long way, cooking me late night asparagus, taking my vitamins which I assured him were life changing, staying up with me when I couldn't sleep, forgiving me when I lost his stuff or broke it or set his seat on fire, loving the artwork on my arm, appreciating my "dark side", and wanting me in no other way than how I was.  He was Gods way of saying okay Trina it is now your turn, take it. Be happy, be loved, adored, wined and dined, cherished and treated like a princess because that you are.  I was, it was wonderful. So why all the was', the past tense?  If all of it was so perfect why is it not still?  I have wondered that every day, and I finally have an answer.  I didn't feel I deserved it, I wasn't used to it.  I put myself on the sidelines of life and I watched other people get married, be happy and have it work out, that was never the case for me.  Somewhere in me I was sure he would leave, the fairytale would end, and I would be alone.  Well I am.  I didn't cheat on him, I cheated myself.  I could never cheat on Kyle, he was all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed and the day he left a part of me died too.  I was afraid to be great, to live up to my birthright, to be seen by people and to let them see me, the me that Kyle knew.  Ky brought me back to life, he made sense of my existence, he isn't perfect but he is perfect for me. I put limitations on our relationship, how long it could last?  how much happiness we would have?  when he would stop loving me? I didn't ask the more important question, perhaps he served his purpose in my life?  I think he did, he helped me heal and left me to explore the world and learn.  That I will do.

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