Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's never really an easy thing to be myself, to be open and vulnerable.  I have actually become quite good and keeping people at a distance.  I have been afraid, afraid to be hurt, afraid to be left, afraid to be taken advantage of.  Slowly I stopped living among society, I have been socially paralyzed.  The truth is I can't prevent bad things happening or people leaving me, but I can choose how to react.  If  I never allow people close to me I am depriving myself of the purpose of life.  Why live if you are trying to keep everything unpredictable out? Life is unpredictable, so I am letting go.  I am in charge of how I react.... of my actions... of mastering my emotions... I don't like to hurt but it is nice to feel.  Things have been looking up for me as of late, pieces are falling into place finally.  You know why I think this is?  Because I am getting out of the way of myself.  I am allowing others to love me and to know me.  My authentic me, the me that I have loved so much that I have kept everyone away from her so she doesn't get hurt. To be honest, I'm pretty awesome.  I have so much to offer the world, experiences that allow me to connect to others on deeper levels, and I am not denying the world of these gifts nor myself.  I am a natural leader but I have been making myself follow.  Nothing feels worse than keeping yourself from your own dreams.  I have felt like my being great would keep others from feeling comfortable around me, I haven't wanted to be selective about those in my life because I never wanted to turn anyone down, but I learned a simple question that has rocked my world.....What's in my best interest?  Now this isn't to be interpreted to selfishness, think of it as self realization.  If I am going to be the best person I can be, the kind of friend I want to be then I need to be careful what I am putting myself around and who I put myself around.  Some people are more inspiring to me than others, some help me see myself more accurately, some know how to support me, and really it has made life so much more simple.  I am no longer a slave to life, I am not just accepting situations, I am creating them.  I am creating my world and it is looking beautiful, I look forward what my future holds and I am grateful for the lessons of the past and right now I am doing myself the favor of being right here in the moment and it feels damn good.  Writing is satisfying to me, the written word is powerful and connecting to others and allowing them to connect to me is what I crave.  It's my purpose in life, well one of them.  I have a gift to love, accept, and guide anyone that is seeking it. I plan on doing great things!

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