Paintings of Vulnerability

I paint.  It allows me to imagine a world that I dream of.  Imagining a life with a different design, ever changing rules settle in, whirling colors onto a canvas, watching them dance gracefully into a scheme, a rhythm that eventually seems to have a mind of its own and overtakes the stark white canvas.  My hopes are manifested through shapes, my ideals blurted out in the most provocative ways, symbolism is the cipher to this canvas, so that when I see it, well it may as well be a page out of my diary.  Paintings, letters I write through creative expression exposing my true dreams, secret sufferings, the endless desires of my soul.
I sat in front of the blank canvas late last night, it was as if it were taunting me.  I knew what I wanted to express with this new entry, but I didn't know what it looked like?  How does one paint love?  The feelings are so potent, overwhelming, powerful, it's almost like love is a person to me.  The mere presence is addicting, captivating, engaging.  When I don't have it, I feen for it.  The desire for connection surpasses all logic, we are blinded from our reason, deaf to the words of dead poets who tell the tales of falling in love and then falling when their love leaves, our naive stupidity takes over, just one taste of it and the wisest men throw their lifes work to the gutter and willingly shackle themselves to the concept. 
How does this look?  Slaves to it, even if just for one night, I have yet to meet someone that would turn it down.  That person doesn't exist, they would deny the fact that we are animals starving for affection.  Humans, we all need to be special, long to be adored, are blessed if we are cherished, and will die trying.  The divorce rates go up, but we still marry.  Romantics.  There's a word for us, hopeful to be the one to defy the odds and grasp the happily ever after fairytale. 
So what did I paint?  The images raced as quickly as they came they were dismissed, none possessed the passion that the emotion exudes. Lovers at sunset, floating hearts, chocolates, wine, candles, gowns and tuxedos, what picture belongs to love?  Perhaps love belongs to words.... " I love you the way certain dark things are loved, secretly between the shadow and the soul.  I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you." 
After finding love, you un-doubtingly are its slave.  I know it, I am a hopeless slave to it, I chained myself, enlisted my heart and I am paying the price.  He left. Not a day goes by I am not haunted by thought of your absence, wishing to turn back time, looking forward to sleep so I can see you because it is almost that I can control my dreams or maybe they control me? Either way I know I'll see you.  I don't love to profess it vainly to the world, to boast the conquering of your heart, to attempt to exploit the sacred connection we shared.  I love you selflessly, without the knowledge of how to contain it or put rules around it. There is no choice in it, it simply exists and no matter how many ways I attempt to cover it, alter its appearance, dull loves luminosity, I fail.  It's there, unchanging, it cannot be destroyed, not through time or the missing of lovers, love is created and stands the tests we ask it to undergo. 
The taunting white canvas sits, waiting for my feeble attempts to paint my love.

FEAR

By Dr. Frank Crane

It is safe to say that no good work was ever done in Fear.

Until you have struck the shackles of Fear from your

hands, you can do nothing.

Until you get the grip of Fear loosened from your

mind, your brain is not efficient, and you cannot remember

well, think straight, nor imagine constructively.

Until you purge the poison of Fear out of your heart,

your emotions instead of giving you power and pep will cause

you only shame and confusion. Fear is your greatest Enemy.

It is a Ghost. It is nothing at all. But it is no less terrible

for all of that.

It is this Ghost that knocks the cup of success from your

lips just when you are about to drink.

It is Fear that reaches out its ghostly hands to strangle

you in a crisis, just when everything depends upon you.

It is fear that tangles your feet, hangs like a millstone

about your neck on your journey, dims your eye so that you

cannot see the truth, roars in your ears until you cannot hear

the music all about you, fevers your blood, unstrings your

nerves and pours its senile impotence into your cup of life.

You have one big battle. It is to conquer Fear. That

done, the world is yours, your own will come to you, and the

stars in their courses will fight for you.

How Fear Spoils All Your Life

If you will think a bit, you will see how Fear spoils all

your life.

Love is “The Greatest Thing in the World,” and it is

Fear that turns the heaven of love into the hell of jealousy and

suspicion.

Don’t be afraid to love, and to believe that you are

loved. Unfortunately it is easy to imagine any one hates you,

and hard to think any one, loves you. But you must be bold to

believe in love if you would be happy.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you

will live in torment unless you trust enough.

“He that believes in everybody may be bitten, but he

that suspects everybody will he devoured.”

And Fear makes sensitiveness. Sensitive people

live in perpetual torture. Everyone seems to be sticking pins

into them and stepping on their toes. They are a misery unto

themselves and a nuisance to everybody else.

The root of all sensitiveness is Fear.

Our bad manners, sarcastic speeches,

awkwardness and other things whereby we make enemies

and get ourselves disliked, arise for the most part from shyness,

which is another name for Fear.

Is it not distressing and embarrassing to have anyone

about that is everlastingly hemming and hawing and apologizing

and fumbling and hesitating? Very well — don’t be that

kind of a person. It is nothing but cowardice.

Stuttering, stammering and other speech defects

are caused by Fear. The first thing the expert does, to cure you,

is to teach you not to be afraid. For you stammer because your

words are inhibited, that is, stopped by Fear.

All joy arises from being natural. We are happy only

when we can be our real self. And Fear is the power that

depresses self. It makes us impotent to be happy.

Hence we become affected, for Affectation, Posing

and “Putting On,” all amount to being afraid of expressing our

real self.

You can have no contentment nor peace of mind

until you drive Fear out of the home.

I can't take credit from these last writings, they are mixed writings of wise men that stood out to me and the place I am in life right now.  Fear rules the hearts of too many and it has for far too long now.  Opportunity is missed everyday, moments are lost and thats all we have.  Moments, that is what life is made up of.  These simple phrases have made a huge difference in my life so far.  I am not afraid to decide what I want and take a chance, I don't assume everything will fail, I hold hope as one of my best weapons when slaying the dragons in my life.  Just knowing I will get through, trusting myself enough to know I will take care of me.  I will make sure I am happy, that I am loved and I won't allow my life to be anybody elses responsibility. Hope you find these findings somewhat interesting, or relevant to you and your life.

How to Get Rid of Fear

Now how can we get rid of Fear? Let us take some

plain, simple measures of common sense.

Let us use all our will power, brains, judgment and

imagination to attack this foe.

CULTIVATE THE HABIT OF DECISION.

Don’t be rash. Think things over. Don’t hurry. Examine

all the probabilities in the case.

But get done. Settle the matter decisively. And act with

firmness.

You will never know what is absolutely the best thing

to do, in any given case. No mortal does. All decisions are

based not on perfect knowledge.

For if you go on forever hesitating and indecisive, your

will becomes flabby, you lose your clearness of vision, and

Fear creeps in.

LEARN TO LET GO.

Learn to relax — Study the art of turning your attention

to something else.

If you think of a thing too long you “go sour”; you lose

your sense of proportion; you become morbid.

Learn how to divert yourself. Go to the ball game, see a

movie, play a game, read an interesting story.

Of course, you can divert yourself too much, till you

have no power of concentration.

But also you can concentrate too much, till your mind

loses all its spring and freshness.

You often get a better hold upon a problem by going

away from it for a time and dismissing it from your mind

altogether.